August 6, 2009

TERRA ALTA, WV — A number of high profile veterans of Golfapaloozas past are in danger of missing the world of amateur golf’s most celebrated and demanding tournament.  Board member JT Thomas was openly shocked when he first heard the news. “We’ve always prided ourselves on our member retention rate. Golfapalooza is such an incredible experience that once a guy attends, he will inevitably rearrange the rest of his professional and personal life around ensuring that he can return the following year. We’ve always thought of ourselves as having the CIA-model of the world of recreation. Once you’re in, we’ve got you for life.”

While this pattern has been consistently true for many lifer Loozers such as JT, Randy, Bartlett, Hurricane, Frankenberry and countless others, GXIII looks to be a swift kick in the testicles of that philosophy. The first surprise of 2009 came in an announcement from KGB that he would not be bringing his Grandpa Al Marshall to Alpine Lake this year. “The old Patch would have been thrilled that Al was not coming so I would not have to listen to him complain about everything under the sun for 96 straight hours of tournament plus travel time” said KGB. “I’m still thrilled that he’s not coming, but the new KGB will at least pretend that the reason I’m thrilled is simply because Al will get to spend some extra quality time with his wife and dogs this fall.”

A second glaring absence from the field for GXIII is ten-time Loozer, and voting Board Member, Kid Rock Flanagan.  Rumor has it that the Kid is unable to get the time off of work to attend. Founding Father GStan was less than amused at this revelation. “I really don’t like to comment on rumors, but in this case, I just can’t believe that a ten-year veteran would violate one of the Three Laws,” explained a bewildered GStan. “Everyone’s seen Isaac Asimov’s iRobot. They built the robots ‘Three-Laws-safe’ and as long as those laws aren’t violated, everything’s cool and there’s no need for Will Smith to shoot a bunch of stuff while providing witty comedic commentary. We built a similar Three-Laws-safe system into Golfapalooza as well. First, don’t take any job without pre-negotiating Golfapalooza vacation time as a deal-breaker condition of employment. Two, don’t get anyone pregnant between November 1 and February 28. Third, don’t marry an insufferable co-dependent bitch, no matter how hot she is. Don’t break any of those laws and you almost guarantee your participation year after year.” GStan said he will skeptically reserve judgment on the Kid Rock situation until all of the facts are in.

One other doubtful Loozer for 2009 is Board Member, and Golfapalooza Director of Information Technology, Slick Long. “I don’t think anybody really believes that Slick will not be there,” offered Founding Father Butter Flanagan. “Maybe he is still pissed that we made him get out of bed at 1 a.m. to play JT in cornhole at GXII. Although I must admit, watching him run his hurry-up-offense throwing strategy was one of the more memorable moments of the 2008 event for me. In any case, I don’t really appreciate his cavalier attitude towards Golfapalooza, the very event that inspired the birth of the Carl Spackler Open.” Upon recently being asked about why he was doubtful to return this year, Slick allegedly replied “Golfapalooza? Is that tournament still going on? I’ve been so busy growing the Spackler that I totally forgot about it.” Slick has publicly denied making those statements, adding that “even if I did say it, I shouldn’t be held responsible. Managing four kids under the age of six can do awful things to a man’s temperament and sanity.”

Regardless of who is there and who is not, there is sure to be a rich and diverse field of talent on the course come September 23rd. Twenty-five Loozers had signed as of press time. Only 48 days left until GXIII.