August 13, 2009

CHARLOTTE, NC — Bill Sizetenshoeski, absent for five consecutive Golfapalooza Championships, is set to make another big splash in major championship golf this fall. Sizeten has officially signed to compete at GXIII this September.  â€œI’m extremely excited to get back to Alpine Lake and resume my quest for that elusive first MELC Cup.”

Half of Loozer nation let out a cumulative shout of elation upon hearing the surprising news. Board Member Stacy Bartlett admits that he “can’t wait to once again hear the endless stream of one-liners flow, some laced with complete nonsense, and many others colored by his trademark accusations of rampant homosexuality brewing at the Wilson cabin. BillyBob and I are like soul mates. Back in the day, we had some great battles in the annual ‘who gets to have Slick as a scramble partner’ event. And, like me, he can be funny when he’s making sense, but he’s much funnier when he’s not.”  

On the flipside, the other half of Loozer nation simply asked “who the hell is Bill Sizetenshoeski?” Yes, a few of the faces of Golfapalooza tend to change from year to year and when multiplied by five, its feasible that anywhere between 12 to 18 Loozers have never even heard of this legend of the Lake. They have no memory of his towering 50, 60 and even 75 yard drives, his precision chips from the fringe to inside 30 feet, his trademark 6 inch putts that he almost never missed, and most tragically, no memory of his bottomless stash of one-liners. Anyone looking to educate themselves further about Sitonmyfaceski, as well as other perennially absent Loozers whose return is imminent, can read about them here, here or here. (Since those articles were written, 3 of the 15 most sought after comebacks have already occurred and 4 more have signed to play at GXIII, including Schlitzmaltliquorski. These signings include 4 of the top 5; paging Mr. Dieterle?)

When asked what he thought his chances were to bring some hardware back to North Carolina, Sonofasonofasailorski was supremely confident. “I have literally not picked up a club since my daughter was born 5 years ago. However, I can’t imagine that I could possibly be any worse now than I was when I last competed. And I am, after all, playing in the practice round, so there is no reason for me to expect that when Thursday rolls around I won’t be primed to pick up right where I left off back at GVII.”

Slitmywristski will tee it up for real with at least 28 other Loozers in 42 days.