September 6, 2009

TRIADELPHIA, WV — Despite being populated by a number of obviously unstable individuals, Golfapalooza is a historically stable event.  You never have to ask many questions concerning price, itinerary, or dates.  The course is always Alpine Lake.  The practice round is always on Wednesday and the awards banquet culminates the event on Saturday night.  The price is always dirt cheap.  You can always get a cornhole match at 4am.  Kerchak will be betting $120 into the $3 big blind pre-flop.  Boland will always be knee high to a grasshopper and Gus will be 10 to 15 minutes late.  

Why mention these things? Well, for all of the stability, some things have still dramatically changed.  The most noticeable difference over the past 13 years, (other than Max Dieterle’s 5 consecutive year absence of course), has been the fact that waist size seems to be growing directly proportional to age.  Loozers have gained an average of 22.4 lbs from their rookie seasons to the present time.  At 32 expected participants this year, that's an astounding 716 pounds of extra weight, more than one-third of a ton!  Granted many of those pounds have been added during four day stays in Terra Alta.  

This September, twelve of Loozer Nation's finest will seek to prove who among them is Loozer Nation's fittest. Near the conclusion of GXII, Golfapalooza Director of Human Resources, Jeff Frankenberry could no longer idly sit by and watch the collective waistlines of Loozers expand and decided to do something about it. "My biggest challenge in getting the ball rolling was figuring out how to get a bunch of guys who think bacon is one of the four food groups to want to lose weight" commented Frankenberry. "After five years experience at Golfapalooza, one thing I've learned is that these yahoos will do just about anything or anyone['s Mom] for a bet. And so the Biggest Loozer was born." Twelve Loozers have accepted the $50 challenge, and the Loozer with the greatest percentage of weight lost by GXIII will collect the entire $600 pot.

Most experts believe that the winning Loozer will have to get to at least a 15 to 16 percent weight loss to take home the big prize. Here is a look at where they started and how they are expected to finish.

Chef Watson - Starting weight: 272 - 15% gets him to: 231 Why he might win: 231 is not exactly skinny, even for a guy over six feet tall. He certainly has room to go low. Why he might not: 41 pounds is a lot to lose for a guy nicknamed Chef with a reputation for cooking with bacon.

Sleepy Kaniecki - Starting weight: 247 - 15% gets him to: 210 Why he might win: unsubstantiated rumors have suggested that he may have already passed his target and is going for more. Why he might not: How is a guy who spends 60 hours per week managing a restaurant best known for its grilled sticky buns supposed to win a weight loss contest?

Bro Lyme - Starting weight: 245 - 15% gets him to: 209 Why he might win: His 245 starting weight may only be the result of the fact that at GXII, he was pre-menstral and was retaining water, or in his case, retaining the 217 Coors Lights he drank at GXII. Why he might not: rumored to have thrown in the towel early, because dieting and exercise conflict with the devil-may-care cool reputation of a two-time MVL. Plus dieting and exercise are hard, so #&^% that!

Hurricane Boland - Starting weight: 240 - 15% gets him to: 204 Why he might win: the Cane never met a bet he didn't like. If someone bet him that he couldn't make himself have another heart attack, he'd want odds, but he'd still probably take the bet and give it a shot. The best thing the Cane has going for him is that the AMA recommended weight for someone of his height is 76 pounds, so he obviously has room to lose. Why he might not: Has already publicly been whining that everyone is keeping their weight a secret and he doesn't feel like trying hard if he doesn't know if he's going to win.

Whitey White - Starting weight: 236 - 15% gets him to: 201 Why he might win: He's a physical therapist so you would think he might know something about having a healthy body. Why he might not: co-worker and fellow contestant JT has stated that if he does know something about having a healthy body, he's doing a terrific job of hiding it since GXII.

RealStan Kaniecki - Starting weight: 235 - 15% gets him to: 200 Why he might win: Was spotted recently at a Cincinnati water park with no shirt on. There is no reason he might win. Why he might not: See "Why he might win" above. And thanks for the $50 bucks.

Cheech Thomas - Starting weight: 216 - 15% gets him to: 184 Why he might win: is a former wrestler with significant rapid weight loss experience. He also cannot stand to lose at ANYthing. If you told him you could eat more dogs&%t than him, he'd be out scouring the neighbor's yards within hours looking for practice turds just to make sure you didn't win. In fact, as he's reading this very paragraph, he's probably wondering whether eating dogs&%t will help him lose more weight; or help his golf swing. Anything to gain a competitive edge. Why he might not: Only started two weeks ago.

Randy Watson - Starting weight: 208 - 15% gets him to: 177 Why he might win: another former wrestler who can shed the pounds quickly. Also, Randy lives in Texas and has to chase illegal immigrants off his land all the time. Why he might not: Did I mention he lives in Texas? 2 words: Texmex Food. (Although despite the wealth of excellent cuisine - that's metra-sexual for what the rest of us call "food" - that can be easily acquired in Texas, Randy is the Vegas oddsmakers favorite to win the contest.)

Sheiker Long - Starting weight: 208 - 15% gets him to: 177 Why he might win: the stress of being the Golfapalooza CFO speeds up his metabolism every August and September. The additional calorie burn might just be enough to push him over the top. Why he might not: Can you picture Sheik at 175 pounds? That's one scary looking 6 ft 4 inch flagpole.

Quack Blankenburg - Starting weight: 206 - 15% gets him to: 175 Why he might win: being the founder of the contest might give him the inspiration to go the extra mile. Why he might not: rarely exercises any muscles other than his thumbs, which he uses to send tweets on his twitter. Plus he works for Bill Gates, does he really need $600 bucks?

Walt Schoellmann - Starting weight: 200 - 15% gets him to: 170 Why he might win: Because you always have to watch out for those quiet guys that fly under the radar. Why he might not: According to his Facebook entries, seems to have spent a little too much time flying around the country in airplanes this summer. Don't you ever walk or jog or ride a bike anywhere? Sheesh!

GStan Kaniecki - Starting weight: 196 - 15% gets him to: 167 Why he might win: See below, "Why he might not." Why he might not: As the only Loozer beginning under 200, he's too skinny to start with. Why even waste the $50 bucks? That's not thinkin' with your dipstick. I mean WTF? Does anyone really believe there will ever be anyone at Golfapalooza under 170 lbs? Christ, a stripper could weigh more than that and still be hot. Like Bro's mom, for example.

Although everyone is guarding their weight figures like CIA secrets, the truth will come out in less than 20 days.