September 18, 2009

KINGWOOD, WV — As Golfapalooza enters its 13th year, Loozers can reminisce about the many great feats and sights that the weekend has bestowed.  Veterans have witnessed a 35-handicapper single-handedly carry an 8-handicapper to a 2-man scramble championship, a 150-foot belly-flop slide, an Elvis Presley wanna-be finish a round in a wife-beater, a jack-ass get drilled with a shaving cream pie and someone actually get run-over by a golf cart.  Heck, Golfapaloozers have already caught a sneak-peek to the first 30 minutes of "Weekend at Bernie's III".  They've seen just about every adult video that's ever been produced and watched in awe as a grown man got whipped mercilessly with his own belt by a buck-toothed redhead.

But one thing that has never graced the weekend is an ace on one of the six par-three's at Alpine Lake.

Golf Digest suggests that the odds of an average golfer (double digit handicap) making a hole-in-one are 12,000 to 1.  Since Golfapalooza's inception at Twin Falls State Park, Loozers have struck an estimated 4290 tee shots on par three's.  Which one and when will be the ace?  How will we celebrate?  How should we celebrate?  Should there be a prize for such a feat, like free-entry fee for the following year's event?  

One Founding Father believes that this will be the year of the ace.  "I suspect it will happen this year, and most likely on the 18th hole with a large gallery", stated a stoic KGB.

Oddsmakers have published their list of contenders for the first ace and their theories behind its inclusions and exclusions.

First Rule - Eliminate all rookies.  No rookie has ever been able to produce under such intense circumstances.  They always fold in Darin Cross-like style.  So we're down to 26.

Second Rule - Eliminate all raw score contenders and handicaps lower than 15.  Have you ever seen a major win get manipulated by an ace?  This eliminates Quack, Whitey, Uncle Mark, and Garrett and we're down to 22.

Third Rule - Eliminate anybody using a Driver on Par three's.  Sorry Grandpa Al.  21.

Fourth Rule - Golf Digest also suggests that the odds increase to 150,000 to 1 for anybody hitting from their knees, so Boland is eliminated.  20.

Fifth Rule - Since the PGA of America has outlawed victory dances similar to the display by Lamar Latrell in Revenge of the Nerds, all fairies from the Rooty Tooty Institute are eliminated.  Gone are Sheiker, Gus and Spraguer.  Down to 17.

Sixth Rule - Eliminate anyone who has been contaminated by the intimacy of Gus's mom or Butter's mom.  This knocks out a bundle.  Gone are Butter, GStan, Melick, Randy Watson, Grundo, Bro and Winthorp and we're at 10.

Seventh Rule - Eliminate The Hammer.  Must we really explain?  9.

Eighth Rule - You can't be gay.  Gone are Real Stan, Walt, and Monty.  6.

Ninth Rule - If you're worried about getting raped by an inbred homosexual, then bending over to tee up your golf ball is not your specialty.  Sizetenshoeski is out.  This leaves us with 5 candidates for the 1st Ace.

JT Thomas - For a little guy, he always seems to show up big.  He's the current green jacket bearer and nothing would help him rise from the ashes with more intensity than an ace.

Mark Kaniecki - Experience counts...and he owns one of the most spectacled aces of all attendees.  Have you gotten a sleeve of Mark Kaniecki logo golf balls?

Stacy Bartlett - Flare for the dramatic.  Already has provided Loozer nation with the most dramatic par three tee shot in G-history.

Brent Kaniecki - KGB.  It couldn't happen to nicer, more pleasant person.

Chef Watson - We couldn't think of a good reason to exclude him.  Plus, anybody who has prepared that much food at Alpine Lake deserves a little something, heh?