December 21, 2009

COLUMBUS, OH — Miss America recently visited the Columbus area to meet with her new shoe sponsor and the Carl Spackler Open.  Pageant organizers are working to develop a unique line of shoes and more importantly Brian Flanagan regarding more efficient kitchen pass allocation.  

Brian Flanagan, VP of Kitchen Pass Allocation, saw her visit as an opportunity.  The reigning Miss American, Katie Stam from Semour, IN took time from her busy schedule to meet with Brian to discuss promoting Kitchen Passes to all of America’s wives and ignorant men.

In a joint press conference, Brian and Katie addressed the crowd with a statement and then answered questions.  Brian started with, “I would like to thank Ms. Stam for meeting with me to promote Kitchen Passes.  We agree that men do not need to unnecessarily suffer without a small amount of support from their significant others.”  Katie continued, “Woman should recognize what the Carl Spackler Open can do for their men.  A happy man, leads to a happy home.”

“I was so nervous to meet one of my heroes,” remarked Katie.  â€œWhen I heard how Brian obtained a Kitchen Pass to attend the 2003 Carl Spackler Open while his pregnant wife drove their children to the Outer Banks in North Carolina from Ohio, by herself, I was awe struck.”  Brian chuckled next to her.  â€œI must say, the Golden Jacket is much more impressive in person.  The fabric is so luxurious.  May I touch the little gopher?”  Brian stopped her, “I would prefer not to be found on the ground outside my home with my wife standing over me with an iron.”

[The crowd laughs.]

Katie explained that she first learned of Brian after he won the 2007 Carl Spackler Open in Jackson, MI.  â€œImagine my excitement when I learned that this tournament was going to be held within 2.5 hours from my home town the following year!”  She went on to explain her heartbreak as her agent advised her to steer clear of the event as she was preparing for her current role.

"I am very young, but see the value," says Stam of the kitchen pass. "The Captains Club should continue to promote 3-straight years of attendance to its members and rookies. Those consecutive years of attendance builds kitchen pass allocation through positive tangible results. Tiger Woods has done his best to set the kitchen pass back several years, but together we can transform the image back to something of extreme value."

Brian Flanagan informed the media personnel, “We have our attorney and senior member Jon Marti researching history to try and find a precedent that will allow the Captains Club to sue Tiger Woods for tarnishing the reputation of the Kitchen Pass." Katie added, "He is really made it difficult for all men to go to a wholesome event like the Carl Spackler Open."

Brian invited the reigning Miss America to Texas for the 2010 Carl Spackler Open.  Katie and her agent are mulling it over with her attorney to see if she may loose any official sponsorship by attending.  However, it is unclear whether she realizes that she will be the Official Cart Girl of the event to be held at South Padre Island Golf Club in April.  

Don Creighton asked, “Who is going to be her roommate?”  Brian smiled and answered, “Katie’s roommate selection would be done via a lottery selection using only names of unmarried participants”.  

Jason Dilks questioned, “Hey Brian, do you wear that jacket to work regularly?”  Brian responded, “Only for special occasions.”  Bill Bateson rose and Brian sighed as he knew something unique was coming, “Hey Brian, can you see if Katie can get Mario Lopez to come to the event?”  Katie laughed, “Sure, I can!  Mario would love to hang out with guys like Jon Munksgard, Rich Armstrong, and Chad Long.  I think he would be a contender for the Lacey Underall Sash too!”