September 28, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — The sun was shining bringing temperatures in the 80’s.  The wind barely blew and rain was nowhere to be found.  So what was the Storm that blew through Terra Alta Last Weekend?  It was rookie Loozer John “Mater” Munksgard, destroying everything in his path during his first visit to historic Alpine Lake.  If not for a hiccup on 17 during the two man best ball and a once in a lifetime shot from KGB during the “Kind of a Big Deal” shot, Mater would have left Golfapalooza with every possible golf award besides the Low Raw.   Munk never displayed the nerves of a rookie chasing his first major title.  He hit each shot without a care in the world other than how he was going to keep the ice in his cooler from melting in the uncharacteristically hot weather in late September.  Even the post-tournament interview revealed an unflappable Champion not at all bothered by the attention he was garnering:

Mr. Munksgard, can I have a minute with you?

Call me Munk or Mater.  That’s a new one I got this week.  Don’t really know what it means but I kind of like it.

How do you explain your success this week?  I mean you’ve never even been close in a major before, let alone your first trip to Alpine Lake.

Well, they put me with JT twice and he drank almost all my Captain Morgan.  I’m usually hammered after nine holes.  Hell I didn’t even know golf courses had 18 holes.  I never really finished before.  Plus, they took that dickhead Lewis out of my group.  That helped.  I mean the guy is like a hemorrhoid.  I have to be real careful about stopping too quickly when he’s around.

What do you think about capturing the ROY?

Seriously, there was no competition.  Hell, I knew nobody would like Lewis, as usual.  And the other option was Pagett.  All Americans hate the French!

You were a very long shot going into the Johnson competition.  How did you manage to take home that award?

Don’t tell anyone, but that was purely luck.  I had managed to suck down a few Captain and Cokes during the round of golf and was feeling pretty good, if you know what I mean.  When I hit the shot that eventually won the event, it was actually a practice swing that contacted the ball, although, I was aiming towards that little green man on the hillside.

That was some Saturday you put together.  Nobody expected you to contend in the 2 man scramble.  You blew away the defending champs and the rest of the field!! How?

Again, I’m going to have to call it luck.  They told me that there would be an “A” player and a “B” player on every scramble team.  I was very fortunate to get a solid “B” player to compliment my skills.  Rocket was money for a “B” all day.  I mean we must have used at least 8 or 9 of his shots.  I can not take all of the credit for that one.

Sorry, Mater, Sir…This may be the longest interview I’ve ever done but so many awards to as you about.  Tell us about your 4 Man Best Ball triumph.

Christ Almighty son, that was the first freakin’ day for Gods sake!!!  I told you I might have had a drink or two of Captain Morgan while I was down there.  I can’t remember that far…. Next Question!!

You not only controlled the golf but you also walked away with nearly $2000 worth of Loozer money.  The most impressive of which was buying both winning partners in the two man cornhole tourney for a total of $55 and winning $1000.  How did you have the foresight to pull that off?

Holy shit!!  I did that?  I was wondering where that extra $1000 came from.  I thought maybe that was for the Undertaker sleeping in his bikini briefs.  I was confused as to why it wasn’t all one’s.  Cool!!!!

Just about the only title you didn’t go home with was the 2 Man Best Ball in which you still managed a second place finish.  What happened there?

F&%k!!  You mean I missed one.  Must have been the one I played with JT as my partner.  He sucks.  I don’t know what Lewis likes about him.  I’ll have to win that one next year.  See you all in 359 days.