October 16, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — After all the excitement of the Cornhole Calcutta auction, the tournament itself can tend to be kind of a letdown. Nevertheless, the nearly flawless weather in Terra Alta this year allowed for two great evenings of dramatic cornholing. Thursday evening kicked off to an exciting start as the defending 2009 champs, Bro and Rocket, departed in the first round.

The tournament was also not without controversy. Due to the odd number of participants in the field, Bill “Sizetenshoeski” Szymonski, the last Loozer to sign up, was granted a first round bye and the opportunity to choose any Loozer ousted from the tournament in the first round to continue on as his doubles partner. He, because he’s smart, of course chose Eric “GStan” Kaniecki, which sparked an explosion of pissing and moaning among the remaining participants. This baffled tournament organizers, as nothing but crickets could be heard, when it was announced only one hour prior, just before the start of the auction, that this was how it was going to work. GStan and Sizeten promptly disposed of team after team until running into the under-the-radar tandem of Slick and Shlomo. Despite offers from Mater in the hundreds of dollars range to throw the match, GStan and Sizeten soundly won game one in the best of three series. Games two and three were an entirely different story. Slick’s bags found the hole more often than whats-his-face’s mom and GStan was not equal to the challenge. Shlomo’s consistency hitting the board was more than enough to hold off Sizeten’s consistently not being within five feet of the board. Mater pocketed $1000 and Slick and Shlomo will look to be the first cornhole doubles champions in history to repeat when GXV rolls around.

The King of Corn singles tournament took place Friday evening. Much like the doubles tournament, the singles draw led to an unanticipated early exit for a highly touted (i.e.  overhyped) veteran. Heff was thoroughly embarrassed by Monte, the better half of Fire and Ice; they are without a doubt the most annoying (yet financially generous) doubles team in the history of cornhole. Perhaps the only defeat that could possibly have been more humiliating for Heff is if he had lost to the lesser half of Fire and Ice, his brother-in-law Winthorp. Heff has the tournament handicappers scratching their heads and wondering if his cornhole game is going to follow the path of his on-again off-again golf game, a path so amazingly erratic that it has inspired the naming of two Golfapalooza awards.

There were no real surprises in either the East or Southeast regionals on the way to the Final Four. GStan and defending King of Corn Sleepy had little trouble disposing of their opponents, with the exception of Sleepy’s scare against the ‘Cane in the regional finals. It was upset city in the West and Midwest brackets, though, as not one, but two Cinderellas crashed the Final Four party. Quack dominated his region like whats-his-face’s mom, and Monte rode his confidence from his victory over Heff just like he would ride whats-his-face’s mom.  After reaching the Final Four, Monte had nothing left in the tank for Quack, who moved into the finals with something to prove. Quack and Sleepy were already counting their money from an insidious conspiracy they had concocted. All Sleepy had to do was beat GStan, and then have Quack “win” against Sleepy in the finals and they could split the $500 that Sleepy would win for owning Quack.

It was a great plan, except for the part that sucked. Beat GStan? Good luck with that! GStan sent Sleepy off to…well…sleep. Not really. He actually grabbed a chair and looked on helplessly as his $500 evaporated into the night air with GStan’s two not-even-all-that-close victories over Quack in the finals. For the sixth consecutive year, the King of Corn singles crown left Terra Alta Sunday morning with a familiar destination, Wheeling. (The King of Corn title has never been anywhere else. Keep practicing OHIO!) Guy collected $500 for the fruits of GStan’s labor, not a bad return on a $120 investment. Additionally, Guy has already thrown down the first bid for the 2011 Cornhole Calcutta auction: a $120 bid on GStan.

GStan expressed just a hint of remorse after his victory, stating that Quack is one of the nicest guys a Loozer could ever hope to meet, and it doesn’t feel all that great beating him of all people. Additionally, he said he would have liked to see his brother Sleepy win $500. However, when asked if he would play it the same if he could do it over again, GStan said “A hundred times out of a hundred. Best of luck to the field trying to wrestle this trophy away from me next year.”

Oh no he di’int!!!

(Oh yes he did.)