June 4, 2004

COLUMBUS, OH — The season-opening slew of scorecards since March by the Carl Spackler Open has not seen one scorecard from Patrick McElroy.  Not one and for good reason.  At least a McElroy reason.

"Practice is for the birds", says Pat McElroy from his couch in Columbus, OH.  "My game is pretty consistent.  I just bring the club back and swing through my ass.  That gives me a few extra yards that other players cannot seem to find."  The MacDaddy's unconventional swing style resembles a forward in hockey on a power play.  "I also liked my NOOG last year and it should be the same at Tanglewood."

McElroy was then asked about his unexposed feet to 54 holes, tolerance to alcohol, exposed hands to 300 swings, and looking rusty in general.  "The thing I don't like is the practice round.  I could use the course knowledge and kinda worried about the fatique thing."   In addition to the fatigue thing, he is sure to have problems around the greens with his touch.

The flip side, though, is his canny ability to dig himself out of situations that other players just do not have the ability to do.  He also plays aggressive golf, which is like sleeping at home for him.

"You can get by just playing as hard as you possibly can and doing things well defensively, but you need to work on your offensive approach."  

Before anyone could ask him what the hell we was talking about, he continued, "I am fully aware the Open is in two weeks and I am very close to where I think I need to be," McElroy said. "I am fortunate to have plenty of headcase hackers in the field and not really worried about the Outfits.  Those go to the headcases."

McElroy's advisor immediately came forward and whispered in his ear.  A shocked McElroy exclaimed, "Next week?  Are you kidding?"  McElroy ended the press conference immediately at his home.  He was seen running to the bedroom and returning in a pair of shorts.  He hurdled the kitchen counter, retrieved his golf bag from the attic, and jumped into his car leaving a skretch down the driveway.