August 26, 2015

WHEELING, WV — The release of the KGB Cup pairings has led to some partisan discussion from both teams with Killer and JT leading the way. Bro and Butter may be the captains, but these two have stepped up to be the voices of their respective teams. With three weeks before the one-day tournament, things got off to a great start.

Killer (Team Bro listed first in each pairing)

Bro & Spyder vs. Butter & GStan

This foursome is a great one to tee off first. Four of the fastest players in the Cup, they definitely won't be holding up the field.  Bro will be focused, with his reputation on the line and Spyder doesn't have time to get drunk before he tees off, but at the finish is a different story.  Butter's power is gone with his weight staying down and GStan will be overwhelmed with the emotions of playing with his best buddy. Not a contest, Bro wins 5-0

BoMan & Killer vs. Sleepy & Kid

It's BoMan and it's Killer, enough said. These two are unbeatable together. Sleepy and Kid will be team "Red Eyes" one will be tired and the other will be high as hell. You figure out which is which. Easiest match to predict. Bro wins 5-0.

Alf & Sheiker vs. JT & Randy

Alf and Sheiker played as teammates in the Quack Cup and finish second to two of Bro's team members and there's no one on Team Butter that compares. Alf shot even par and won the individual with Sheiker at his side and Sheiker shot 115, but it was a strong 115. His game really picks up when it counts.  JT always feels great before G starts and can't understand why he's so bad at Alpine. Captain anyone? Randy just hasn't been the same since he's become a dad / trainer for his daughter. His game has really suffered with the lack of practice time. Five years ago this would have been a match, this isn't five years ago. Bro wins 5-0

Honey & Whitey vs. KGB & Swanky

Honey loves G week as much as anyone and will play his heart out for Bro. Whitey has been playing lights out all year, he still has one of the sweetest swings ever seen. KGB will be looking over his shoulder all day because of the return of Kercheck rumors that have been surfacing. While Swanky will be looking over the other shoulder to see if RG1 may show up and give him some love. Bro says it best, Honey is money. Bro wins 5-0.

Grandpa Al & Cunningham vs AJ & Uncle Mark

Al has a few years on the field and has every golf shot in his bag that is needed to beat anyone. Cunningham will have nothing but his next shot on his mind with that silly nickname war finally over. AJ will be too worried that his dad will ground him if he makes a bad shot. Pressure will get the best of him here. Uncle Mark will be so proud to be the first father to enjoy G with his son that he won't even realize that there's a match on the line. Can't see this going any other way. Bro wins 5-0

Willett & Walt vs. Chef & Sizeten

Willett doesn't have any reason to be worried, with no other rookies in the field and he will be as relaxed as any rookie has ever been. Walt will not have any frostbite thoughts as the weather is expected to be prefect. Golf is great with sunny toes. Chef will be beside himself with less cooking duties and won't know what to do with himself having all that free time. He will be in a panic the whole round.  Sizeten won't be able to stop trying to figure out who in the group might be gay, I see tons of distractions here. This will be a fun group for everyone to watch finish on 18. Bro wins 5-0.

Final tally Bro 30 Butter 0

JT took a day to compose his thoughts and offered this rebuttal.

JT (Team Butter listed first) As you know, there are two sides to every story. Killer, we appreciate the time you put in, but your perspective is waaaay off!!  Here is a more realistic view of how this will shake down:

G-Stan and Butter VS Bro and Spyderrrrrrrrrrr

What are we talking about here???  Who has the playlist? Who has the coolest hats (when they are not getting stepped on by Monte)? Who can drink the most Patron? Who you DON'T want on your darts team? No!!!!!!  If these were the criteria, the choice would be obvious. But they are not!!!  We are ultimately talking about GOLF and CHEMISTRY!!  Nobody has more Chemistry than Eric and Brian (yah I know Size 10, sounds gay and it may be). Although Bro AND Spyderrrrrrrr have potential to score massive points for a bogey on any hole, they still have to actually MAKE the Bogey. Not enough seven wood magic or Patron to save these two. Butter 5-0

Sleepy and Kid VS BoMan and Killer

Golfapalooza has seen Pat's raw scores tumble over the years. In the early years he could concentrate on golf and scores were good. Recently his responsibilities have increased dramatically and he has a lot more to worry about: Calcutta auction, deQuackathon, defending the Cornhole Doubles Title (still call bullshit on this one), par bet on hole one, racing all comers and rumors of ping pong this year not to mention worrying whether the new rookie will take his title of shortest Loozer. Having another rookie as his partner in Killer cannot bode well. Rookies don't tend to fare well on this track. Just ask Killer how well HE did his first seven Rookie seasons!!  Couple that with his propensity to fold like a lawn chair under pressure, and theses two are doomed from beginning. Golfapalooza is about being able to golf under pressure and perform while bombed out of your mind. Sleepy won the King of Corn while puking, smoking and drinking Woo Woo at the same time and survived the original Stogie Friday. Kid Rock will give Cheech and Chong a run for their money any day. These guys are proven under the intense pressures of G. No Brainer!!!  Focus wins. Butter 5-0

JT and Randy VS Alf and Sheiker

Both Alf and Sheiker (yes Sheiker) are members of the Hole in One club, not to mention their teammate Killer. Hole in Ones only count for one hole. We are talking about 6 hole matches. Alf has the title nobody wants, "best golfer to never win anything". He's the Dustin Johnson of Golfapalooza. Always surrounded by hype coming in but eventually gets swallowed up by the enormity of the event. Sheiker is coming off of a devastating wrist injury (don't ask) which not only sidelined his chances of X-Games Gold in the Big Air competition, but also hurt his chances of breaking the coveted 120 barrier this year at Alpine. Butter again went with proven vets in this one. Experience wins out as both of these staples of Golfapalooza return to Glory Days!! Butter 5-0

KGB and Swanky VS Honey and Whitey

Nobody has been hyped more than the "Chosen One" Whitey. He has not delivered yet and don't look for this to be the year. Too many sub 80 rounds on the books this year for him to score any points or be a factor in anything. Honey will be too focused on outcleaning the rookie and getting keys out of locked cars to concentrate on golf aside from the fact he has the sweetest swing never to produce a good round in Terra Alta.  These two are just up against way too much!!!  Outmanned and outclassed. KGB will be so far f***ing in both of their heads that the term Skull F***ing would be an insult. Nobody and let me repeat Nobody is playing better than handicap than Swanky is right now!!  Steady enough to overcome being paired with KGB. These to win the Mental and the Physical. Never underestimate the fear of being skunked in the back woods of WV. Butter 5-0

AJ and Uncle Mark VS GrandPa and Cunningham

The first father son duo to attend Golfapalooza!!! The long awaited return of Uncle Mark!!  Three generations represented in this group. So many story lines!!!!  GrandPa puts almost as much pressure on himself as Killer and Cunningham will be looking to avoid the Sophomore Slump. No Chemistry here!!!  Can GrandPa even make 18 holes???  Butter once again showed his Mastery over Bro by pairing these two. They don't feel pressure or even know that there is a competition going on. Just here to have fun. Nothing more fun than another skunk. Butter 5-0

Chef and Size 10 Vs Walt and Willet

Chef will be the most relaxed guy at G this year. No Monte, no Kerchack, way less duties, more parking...  Need I say more??  Size 10 may feel a little uncomfortable playing a duo called Walt and Willet. His Gaydar will definitely be tingling!!  Not enough to stop the MELC train that IS Size10. Nothing Walt can do or say will overcome being paired with the only True Rookie in the field. Rookies can not handle the pressure of Golfapalooza let alone a Ryder cup format!! Butter 5-0

Final tally Butter 30 Bro 0

When asked for comment on the views of their respective team members, Bro and Butter each had one word to say: "Like."