September 23, 2015

TERRA ALTA, WV — After 54 grueling holes, in addition to a pressure packed KGB Cup during Wednesday's practice round, for the first time in history Golfapalooza crowned co-MELC Champions Saturday night at the Wilson Cabin. Golfapalooza XVIIII, (XIX for the less mentally challenged), came down to a tie at the top between Don 'Swanky' MacFarland and Ken 'Spyderrrrrrrrrrrr' Pagett, with each accumulating an impressive 151 points over the 3 official tournament rounds.

Spyder and Swanky each started off the weekend in the middle of the pack with 26 team points apiece, and Swanky adding 4 points worth of long putts for a total of 30 on the day. However on moving day, Swanky hung 60 points on the leaderboard, tied for the second best round of the day. Not to be outdone, Spyder turned in the day's best card at 64 points, which turned out to be the best-scoring round of the entire tournament. Spyder, a man of few words, when asked to comment on his exceptional round, replied only "the secret is Patron."

Oddly enough, most Loozers have over the years watched their Golfapalooza tournament championship hopes completely vanish with tequila, particularly through Jungle Juice Thursday traditions, but Spyder seems to thrive on it. Founding Father Mike 'Sheiker' Long  noted in the post-tournament press conference, "the Founding Fathers couldn't be more thrilled for Spyder's success, but we certainly aren't rooting for any trends that put more tequila back on the golf course."

On Saturday, the pair of Loozers dueled it out at the top of the leaderboard, and neither man could be denied, each adding a 61 point round and bringing their final scores to 151 points. The tournament committee decided that in the absence of an established tie-breaker for the MELC, and in light of the extremely impressive performance of both Loozers over 54 exhausting holes, the most fitting outcome would be a shared MELC Championship. Veteran Loozer Stan 'RealStan' Kaniecki, watching this year's action from home in front of his computer, was quick to Tweet his disgust with the outcome - "A TIE for the MELC Championship? WHAT IS THIS, SOME KIND OF SOCCER MATCH!?!?"

Rounding out the MELC top 5 were Kyle 'Alf' Alford and promising rookie Christian 'Killer' Miller in a tie for 3rd, and Walt 'Schlomo' Schoellmann in fifth place.