August 31, 2016

TERRA ALTA, WV — In a scene that reminded some of the glory days of AOL, pairings for the opening round of Golfapalooza XX were determined by an email draft on Friday afternoon. No text, Skype, GoTo Meeting - email.

"This really could have gone much better if everyone still had their Nextel phones," said KGB. "That would have been too much technology though. Someone's genius idea to do it this way took us back to the early days at Twin Falls where we were first introduced to Sizeten. At least the Nextel phones would have been closer to the Dieterle era. Whatever though, I'm still going to win Best Hair this year. No one has beat me yet and I've seen pictures of this BDubs rookie guy; he doesn't stand a chance."

Scramble teams were selected by captains JT, Randy, Sleepy, Hurricane, Quack, and Bro. The Founding Fathers are a team due to their perfect attendance at all 19 prior events.

Team 1 - Founding Fathers (76 combined years of attendance) Butter KGB GStan Sheiker

Team 2 - JT's Fire Marshals (44 years) JT Dosky Killer Winthorp

Team 3 - Randy's Sexual Chocolate (32 years) Randy Watson Honey Sensei Whitey

Team 4 - Sleepy's Extraordinary Length (42 years) Sleepy Monte Real Stan SizeTen

Team 5 - Hurricane's Competitive Edge (35 years) Hurricane Cunningham Spanky Walt

Team 6 - Quack's Best Effort (38 years) Quack Chef Double G RG1

Team 7 - Bro's Aces (23 years) Bro BDubs RG2 Spyderrrrrrrrrrrrr

"I'm not sure about this, but I think Team Sleepy could be the heaviest foursome ever assembled at Golfapalooza," KGB said. "The only thing that could rival it was any foursome that Elvis McCormick was in. Look at the size of those guys - Sizeten looks like Dufner before he won the PGA and lost a bunch of weight. Even though Sleepy has nothing to be ashamed of, he still needs to pack on the pounds to stay upright and keep from falling over. Haven't seen Monte since he took me out on his fire boat last year but he was big then and probably still big now. As for Real Stan, do I really need to say anything?"

Round 1 is scheduled to tee off in 15 days at noon with the ceremonial Jager shots at 11:45. Pairings for Rounds 2 and 3 are being created by using random numbers; in the interest of not having overlap among groups for the official rounds these pairings are still being reviewed.