August 27, 2017

WHEELING, WV — Another KGB Cup will be here before we know it, and wouldn't you know, another year of JT and Killer being on different teams (wonder how that happened???). Last year Killer was closer in his prediction as it was Team Spyder in a rout. Who will be closer this year in their analysis? Killer goes first as last year's winner with JT's rebuttal to follow.

ALF/BRO VS. WHITEY/HONEY

Killer - Alf struck gold with this group. Alf is the best golfer Golfapalooza has ever seen and he knows how to put a team together. His partner is a perfect fit. Rumor has it that Bro joined a golf league this summer and is going to be the most improved golfer this year.  As for their opponents, notice whose name is first in each of these pairings; Honey doesn't even have the confidence to make himself the group leader. That should tell you all you need to know about his team. If you were looking for a leader to put together a team to clean the cabin, Honey is money! If you were looking for a leader to put a team together to play cornhole with Spyder long enough to get drunk where he can actually throw. Honey is money! This isn't either of those things and when it comes to golf, Honey pays money! Whitey on the other hand is usually money when he plays golf. Problem is Whitey doesn't play golf anymore. The reason is he's too busy coaching baseball, getting ready to move, and cutting grass at a hunting lodge he joined. He actually might not break 100. Team Whitey is in trouble in this one.

Team Alf 5 Team Whitey 0

JT - Honey is Money $$$$!!! And the WHITE is RIGHT!!!  Match made in heaven.  Shouldn't even charge these guys for a cart. They rarely leave the fairway (unless Honey sees a fellow Turkish Silver Smoker in an adjacent fairway - Alf, that means "next to"). They know each other's games like the back of their own balls (and each other's). Nothing like the calming effect of playing with a Brother-in-Law, unless it's WINTHORP!!!!

Alf and Bro is a very interesting pairing.  By interesting I mean destined to lose. Alf was the first one to ace a hole at Golfapalooza becoming an instant legend and then proceeded to skip last year almost becoming the first to win the DOTY in absentia. Bro will be too concerned making sure his Wednesday playlist doesn't overlap too much with Thursday and why they don't have bigger coolers for the carts (tough to get those 32 ouncers in a lunchbox). Alf's swing may be restricted by the team uniform, ugly Christmas sweaters. You can't expect to show up sporadically and have the experience to traverse "The Lake". Alpine gets its revenge on Alf.

White Honey cruises in this one 5-0

GSTAN/SPYDER VS. JT/SHEIKER

Killer - Patrone anyone? This should be the final group because everyone will want to watch this match finish. GStan is steady on the course and I'm sure he has learned his lesson from last year and will drink with Spyder in moderation. Spyder is the best 30+ at Golfapalooza. By that I mean 30+ handicap and 30+ shot of Patrone per round. He is great with both. On the other hand JT thinks he can keep up with Spyder when it comes to Patrone, but we all know that is far from the truth. He'll be hammered by the third hole. As for Sheiker, he'll drink his three beers per nine and be frustrated with helping JT getting in and out of the cart; if he wants to live he better be driving. This is the easiest match to predict.

Team Alf 5 Team Whitey 0

JT - Gstan and Spyderrrrrrrrrrrr - Whaaaaaaaaat???  Oh I forgot, Alf wasn't at Golfapalooza last year!!  Pairing Gstan with Spyderrrrrrrrrrrr is like send Jerry Sandusky in to Chuck E. Cheezes to pick up your order. This is Golfapalooza not Greek Week. GStan will be pledging Tequilla Chi (TQX on the sweatshirt) and has no shot at finishing 18 on his feet. Spyderrrrrrrrrrrr won't care. It's a practice round!!!  No reason for Spydey to be concerned.  He only plays when the chips are down. We may have another weekend at Bernie's on our hands.

JT and Sheiker - Brilliant!!!!  Captain Combs has struck paydirt here. This duo has several tournament and leisurely rounds together.  Each can be a calming influence on the other.  With the fire over a year behind him, JT is poised to step right back into his role as an A player (just needs to actually play more than twice to do it). Sheik has played 3 of his lowest rounds in his past four outings.  This is a perfect fit for a handicapped event!!!  And you put a Lebanese guy in a cart with a Sheik!!!!   How cool is that???  Caesar, Alexander the Great, Gandhi, even Jesus himself could not accomplish this.  Genius Honey!!!  Make Golfapalooza great again!!

Honey 6-0 (bonus point for Gstan being asleep for the back nine)

KGB/KILLER VS. WHITEY TOO/CHEF

Killer - This might be the quietest group on the course. Not! Two ROY candidates and two DOTY candidates in the same group, what could go wrong? Alf really put something special together with this group. KGB likes very few people, but Killer, he loves. Team lefty will be in full force. The smartest part of putting this dynamic duo together is the club sharing possibilities. KGB has a reputation of losing his temper at himself on occasion. Well, if he wraps his driver around a tree, there's one in Killer's bag that he could use. Now Killer, the eight time ROY runner up, has finally realized the only way he can win something at G is in golfing. Mentally he will be ready. In the past he's averaged 100 round prior to G and always messed up his chances by trying to correct something. This year he's coming in fresh with zero rounds under his belt. He'll be ready. I really have no idea what Honey was thinking when he paired these two together. Chef partnered with a rookie. What possibly could go right with this group? Chef's feelings about rookies are well known (trust me, I know) and I have a feeling that Whitey Too won't be back. Could have another Bok on our hands. Imagine KGB and Chef each verbally destroying this poor man's Whitey for 18 holes. Speaking of KGB and Chef, let's just be real, someone might get choked. These two are like ice creme and cabbage, they just don't go well together. Chef will be coaching this newcomer by saying, see where I hit it, don't go there. Lock of the week!

Team Alf 5 Team Whitey 0

JT - Killer and KGB. Two of the sweetest swings in golf ............. Bwahahahaha.  Alf might be trying to force nausea onto Chef and Whitey Jr. here by making them watch these two hackers for 18 holes and what should amount to well over 100 hacks for each of them. Can't wait to see the move KGB has learned this year. Who can forget the "point in the direction you hit it", or the "take as much loft off the club as possible" or the "swing with one eye (patch)". How about the step out like you're trying to pull the ball in a hit and run???   Killer will have no idea what he is doing wrong this year which should speed things up considerably (eye roll). Arms will be crossed and body will be putting English on the ball as usual but to no avail.  Hopes up for this to be his year for ROY cause he's not winning any golf related events. Chef (now considered a veteran Loozer) is the perfect fit for a rookie (no Spanky not that way).  Funny ... never thought I'd hear "Chef" and "perfect fit" uttered in the same sentence. Brilliant putting someone with 30 some rounds with a rookie. Not that knowing where to go will help Chef but it might help the Rook.

Honey 5-0

Stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon, as if you have to wonder what direction this is going in.