August 30, 2017

WHEELING, WV — Part 1 ended with Team Alf leading 15-0 according to Killer and Team Honey leading 15-0 according to JT. Let's move on to see what Part 2 brings.

SLEEPY/MONTE VS. WINTHORP/SENSEI

Killer - What a group! Three New Yorkers playing together in rural West Virginia, what a country! Sleepy is going to need an interpreter to understand what the rest of the group is saying. These three have very thick accents, but if there's one guy who knows thick, it's Sleepy because he's got nothing to be ashamed of! Sleepy's game is getting better and better every year and will be a calming effect on the two time DOTY winner. There will be no hat stomps in this round. "This is not going over very well" won't be uttered by this group. Monte comes to G for two reasons, to bring the Woo Woo machine and to make pars. Honey's pair in this group doesn't have a chance. Winthorp is always a mess on Wednesday. He can't handle the night drive of 100 miles an hour to show up two minutes before he has to tee off. Sensei on the other hand couldn't care less about the drive or golf for that matter. All he will be thinking about is how many wedding reception he will be able to crash and how many ash tray $20 bills he will be able to "borrow" from Winthorp. Start Spreading the News, Alf did it again.

Team Alf 5 Team Whitey 0

JT - Whoa!!!!!  No sleep for Sleepy in this foursome!!!!  Some of the longest winded people I know!!!  Let me tell ya a little story about Jager!!  Sleepy is one of the biggest underachievers at G (next to myself). Such a smooth swing with very poor results. Every good shot is negated by two bad ones. Not to mention he will have to drive Monte's limping ass all the way to his ball each time. Two more years until we can get that knee done. Monte gets enough strokes to be promising but will surely get an inferiority complex every time the pair stops for a piss. Who needs a birdie horn when you've got Monte???  You will know where this group is at all times. Winthorp and Sensei have way too much fire power for these two. Sensei has been known to 350 yd drives (even though the hole may be 280) so he has plenty of length (of course that is cancelled by Sleepy's length). Winthorp plays more golf in a month than the rest of us in a year. He is always primed for the golf part and his pants will surely distract Alf's charges in this one. Ashtray money is easily on Winthorp and Sensei.

Not so fast my friend!!!  The Big Apple trio is on the site for a Tuesday arrival but I'll believe it when I see it! They'll play it too close and miss their tee time leaving Sleepy playing in a onesome. One I'm almost sure he can win.

Alf 3-0

At least we will hopefully have Woo-Woo when we finish.

JAY/SPANKY VS. QUACK/BUTTER/SIZETEN

Killer - This is a group that everyone will be watching finish. Will there be a sub par round? Well to tell the truth, it does matter. An 80 from the rookie with all the hype will be good enough to win. Especially when he's paired with Spanky. Spanky, the tougher cousin of this match, is all about G. He will be reading the key putts for Jay and leading this team even though he's listed as the B player. This ménage a Palooza on the other side isn't what it sounds like because according to Sizeten, that would be gay. Quack will have trouble with the fact that there is a better golfer on the course even though he's a self proclaimed expert.  Butter will admit he is no expert, but he is going to be completely out matched here. He's going to spend the whole time trying to find Sizeten's balls and keeping him straight. This match is going to get ugly.

Team Alf 7 Team Whitey 0

JT - Sparky and Jonny Vegas vs Quack, Butter and Sizetenshoeski

Sparky sponsored the next "Chosen one". Finally, someone to Challenge Par at the Lake!!  Bwahahahaha 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂. Jonny Vegas will learn that some rules you go by in Vegas, you don't want to go by in Terra Alta:

1) The house always wins!! Not in Terra Alta. We have beaten the house several times. Just ask the Wilsons

2) what happens in Terra Alta doesn't stay in Terra Alta. It will follow you til the day you die and occasionally pop up on FB under the Caption Me title (right Bo Man?😂, agreed White Lightning? 😳, pizza crust anyone??)

3) Never "stay on 17"!!!  Get off that mfer as fast as you can.  Worst hole in golf history!!!!

Sparky will be way too busy explaining to Vegas what Golfapalooza actually is to concentrate on his match. What?? A scramble?? Drinking??   Could be a long week for your rookie, eh Donnie?? I wanna be around when Jonny figures out everything that Sparky didn't tell him.

Donnie is primed for a huge letdown. Peaked too early this year. Mentally drained from the tumultuous year he had on the summer golf tour capped by the six hour Stoney Hollow rounds.  Not to mention the continuous drama that is Sparky's life on Facebook, and who goes on vacation two weeks before Golfapalooza?

Quack (translated "Steady Eddy") is the picture of consistency. Never in trouble and always in the hole (your Mom's hole!! Hey ohhhhhh) which is perfect for match play. He's employed by the same company as last year; stability is back in his life!!! I saw the Butter Fade up close and personal at Firestone earlier this month and it is Back Baby!!!!! When asked how excited he was about the return of the Butter Fade just in time to play a course designed for it Butter quoted Winthorp, "CAN'T WAIT"!!! Nobody knows if Size10 (more like a Size20 these days) gave birth to the twins yet but he says he will be ready regardless. When asked about his thoughts on the KGB Cup he simply said, "Who am I playing against? Some guy that's FICO certified???  This should be easier than Butter's mom."

SLAM DUNK ON THIS ONE!!! Honey 7-0

WALT/BDUBS VS. CANE/RANDY

Killer - Straight up this would be a win for Honey, but with Walt/BDubs getting a combined 40 strokes to Cane/Randy's 7 it's too much for them to overcome. Walt is a big hitter by Golfapalooza standards and BDubs just gets too many strokes to beat. These two are a team of destiny. Their opponents, the self proclaimed Dream Team, will be in a nightmare by the 18th green. Pat will be so worried about how many people cheated him in the Boland bet he won't be in the right state of mind. Plus with the absence of the RGs, being the shortest golfer might mess with his confidence. In contrast, Randy will be full of confidence, but being confident that you are best dressed doesn't help your golf game. Randy is psyched about G this year (as usual), but not for golf. Defending King of Corn is all he cares about. (Odd are 50-1, sorry Randy, not going happen) Alf is a genius here.

Team Alf 5 Team Whitey 0

JT - Walt and BDubs would make a great pairing in just about anything, but golf really is not their thing. Tressel vest and sandals can't help Walt's stellar short game and absolutely nothing can help BDubs anything game!!!  Yah they get a ton of strokes, but there is a reason for that!!!!  Experience and skill on the other side will be way too much!!!  They've got like 35 years of G's between them. The shortest pairing in Golfapalooza history will be much too tall for Sasquatch and Snorlax.  Pat will keep the momentum of a successful Boland bet and make it a parlay. Randy will look the part and play the part. Hopefully we get to see the Paula Creamer's this year with that pink shirt!!!

Honey in a tight one. 5-0

So the final recap:

Killer: Team Alf 32-0 JT: Team Honey 27-3

14 days until this competition begins.