January 30, 2018

DUBLIN, OH — "I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for excellence in the history of our nation," said senior member Matt Pritchard, who won the 2018 Carl Spackler Open held in Myrtle Beach, SC.

Almost 20 years ago, some great Americans, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, created the Carl Spackler Open. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to hundreds of hackers like me who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice.

In a sense we have come to the beaches of South Carolina to cash a check. When the architects of our event designed the Carl Spackler Open, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was given a chance at victory. This note was a promise that all men, yes, scratch golfers as well as hackers, would be guaranteed the unalienable right to pursue a jacket and championship trophy.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I followed through with my dream. A dream of scoring 12 birdies in our 54-hole tournament. A dream of beating a disgusted Jason Ridgeway at the top of his game. A dream of stealing putt points from David Ober. A dream where someone with 4 points for par is given a chance to become legend. A dream to wear the golden jacket and cap in front of my peers.

In a sense, I have come to Myrtle Beach to play some unpredecented golf and collect a check. I have pressed on through the Crapper Award and back nine disasters until a bright day of justice emerged. Now I stand here today..."

[Matt Pritchard suddenly awakes violently with Tabasco sauce in his nose.]

"What the hell," exclaimed Pritchard!

Roommate Ridgeway accompanied by Dave Osborne reply, "Wake up pretty boy. The practice range is open in 15 minutes. We are headed over to warm up for Round 1."

The 2018 Carl Spackler Open will open play with 84-88 golfers from all across the United States. There are a dozen rookies and returning Mountain Valley champion Kess McLennan ready to do battle.