July 17, 2018

EUREKA, MO — The Golfapalooza Founding Fathers have commissioned a Gallup poll to perhaps gain insight into what's behind an odd and undeniable trend in the ongoing phenomenon of short jokes at Golfapalooza. Patrick "Cane" Boland is approaching his 17th Golfapalooza tournament. Looking strictly at the facts and data, a rare analytical strategy in the age of social media and memes, Cane has historically been no worse than the second shortest Loozer, and may not have even been in the bottom five for some tournaments. However, those same facts and data also show that 96% of all Golfapalooza short jokes ever made have been about Cane; 3% were jokes that Cane, himself, made about JT "Jambone" Thomas; 1% were jokes that Cane made about Ronell "Jackie" "RG1" Green - but all of those Jackie-jokes were made before Jackie was a World Champion. Cane is merely short, not stupid.

Gallup surveyed a made-up number of past and current Loozers for this fake study and fake news article. Their poll's margin of error is of course 0.00%. Among the many pointless survey questions, Loozers were asked who they thought was the shortest between Cane, Verne Troyer and Peter Dinklage; 26% of respondents answered 'Cane', and 74% of respondents answered 'I've never heard of two of those three people so I'll just say Cane'. Loozers were asked if they thought Jackie could fit inside their golf bag; 98% said 'NO! That's so racist!'. Brent "KGB" Kaniecki was the lone respondent saying 'yes'. It should be noted that KGB's golf bag can hold up to 27 clubs.

When Loozers were asked to estimate how many short jokes they make about Cane during a Golfapalooza, the average of all respondents was 4.9, but that average was unduly inflated by Jambone,  KGB and Jason "Randy" Watson's responses, who each answered 'between 80 and 100'. Finally, Loozers were asked if they knew who is officially the shortest Loozer; 98% of respondents answered 'who cares, doesn't matter - what matters matters', and 2% (yeah, one person, it was Cane) answered 'YES! I know exactly who is officially the shortest Loozer, I've been trying to tell people for 16 ****ing years!"

Veteran Loozer Mark "Sleepy" Kaniecki made himself available for comment on the survey results. "I feel bad for the guy" Sleepy said. "I mean, okay, I don't actually feel bad, but I feel bad that I don't feel badder because I feel like I should feel bad. Whatever. It's the Patron talking." Sleepy added, "I mean this guy is now a Golfapalooza icon, and he's tried everything, lifts in his shoes, slimming clothes, taller hats. I don't know what a taller hat is, whatever, you know, like a hat that would make you taller. I don't know if things will ever change. I don't know if he still has a delayed growth spurt coming. I'll tell you one thing I do know though - I'm NOT the shortest Loozer, ifyaknowwhadImeanwink!"

During a Golfapalooza press conference we tried to get some official comments from Cane about the survey results, but he couldn't reach the microphone so we didn't hear what he said.

Only 57 more days left for a growth spurt between now and GXXII.