July 22, 2018

COLUMBUS, OH....HI....OH!!! — Ohio State, or as the most obnoxious and annoying human beings in the world like to say, "THE Ohio State University", still sucks. That makes 46,649 consecutive days of sucking, yet again breaking their own previous world record for sucking*. Golfapalooza's resident expert on all things numbers related, Mike "Sheiker" Long, explains the math. "Well you see, yesterday Ohio State had sucked for a record-breaking 46,648 days in a row, and now it's today, so we add one day to that, and they've now sucked for 46,649 days in a row. It's fairly simple math really. Even an Ohio State fan can figure it out."

The streak began on a cool November day back in 1890. Even in their very first home football game ever, Ohio State was already attempting to pad their schedule with cupcake opponents. It backfired massively though, as Ohio State lost 64-0 to the University of Wooster. According to Wikipedia, as early as the middle of the first quarter of the game, Wooster fans could be seen holding up signs that read "INVENT THE BUS; THEN START IT!" And the rest is history as the cliché goes.

"It's quite an impressive streak," Sheiker continues, "and most college sports experts agree that the streak is unlikely to end. Like EVER. Short of the disbanding of college football as a sport entirely." You would think an amateur golf tournament fake news site would not really care about a football-related sucking streak that started back in the 1800s and continues today with no reasonable end in sight, but Sheiker was able to shed some light on that as well, noting "even if Ohio State's streak of sucking were to end today, #lolgoodone, their all-time sucking record will probably never be broken, however, behind Ohio State, ALL of the next 28 longest active streaks for consecutive days of sucking belong to close blood relatives of Loozers - so we keep our eye on Ohio State for that reason." Rounding out the top 30 longest active sucking streaks is Tom Brady, at 6,672 days.

Only 52 days until GXXII, which sucks one less day than it did yesterday.

*The noted sucking record is for human activity only. For sucking in nature, scientists have recently discovered a supermassive black hole near the center of the universe** that has been sucking for about 13.1 billion years.

**You probably thought that was going to say "a supermassive black hole near the center of your mom's ******."