July 28, 2018

ALMOST HEAVEN, WV — Incoming Golfapalooza sophomore Loozer "Father" Dave "Padre" White has it on good authority that Jesus is totally okay with Loozers shouting his name all over the Alpine Lake Golf Course. "As a former man of the cloth, I have to admit I was a little thrown by the seemingly frivolous and irreverent ways in which Jesus and his dad's names are shouted during Golfapalooza. Rather than wondering if I could be going to hell for merely participating in such an event, I decided to just go straight to the source and ask Jesus directly what he thinks of such things. I'm happy to share the full transcript of my conversation with him for the assurance of all Loozers who may have similar worries."  

PADRE: So, whatcha been doin for the last 2,000 years lol?

JESUS: Well, omnipresence has given me a front row seat to watch the shit-show called 'the human race', so I spend a lot of time just watching that. Sometimes I watch Game of Thrones or Drunk History, but mostly just the shit-show.

PADRE: Then you obviously know I went to Golfapalooza last year. What do you think of the way they talk about you and your dad? You know, like the whole don't take thy name in vain thing?

JESUS: Most of it is totally fine. Like when DoubleG hits a tee shot and everyone yells "JESUS!" at the same time, and I'm like "WHAT NOW!?", and then I remember I'm omniscient too, and I'm like "Oh, I see, DoubleG just hit a tee shot." I've been watching DoubleG golf his whole life and believe me, there have been plenty of tee shots he's hit where I yelled "JESUS" myself! Actually I just yelled "ME!" Haha, get it?

PADRE: Haha, that's good to know. But you said "most" of it is fine - what parts are not fine?

JESUS: Well, my son, there are a few things that you as a child of god need to go forth and put a stop to. First, as a general rule, there is no such thing as bad publicity - so they can shout my name all they want when they're excited - but when they write it out in fake news articles and comments on Facebook posts, they're not doing it correctly. It needs to be just "JESUS", all caps, and you can add as many extra "S"s and/or exclamation points to the end of it if you need emphasis. But when you spell it with "G"s and "Z"s or when you put extra letters in the middle of it, it doesn't show up in Google search returns. I need to be trending. And y'all are not helping.

PADRE: Hey, speaking of Facebook, would you like to join the Golfapalooza Facebook group?

JESUS: No, my dad won't let me.

PADRE: Oh, that sucks. Alright, anything else I need to put a stop to?

JESUS: Yes. I don't care how bad someone is playing and how mad they get, they can't say "JESUS MOTHER-****ING CHRIST" under any circumstances. That's where I'm drawing the line.

PADRE: Yeah, that's a really bad one. Glad I've never sai...

JESUS: Yes you have.

PADRE: Okay, shit!, sorry, right. Forgot who I was talking to for a second there. Anything else I can work on with these guys?

JESUS: Yes, one last thing. Golfapalooza may be important to you, but it is not at all important to me or my dad. We don't require any thanks when you do something well, and we definitely don't deserve to be blamed or cursed at when you hit a bad shot. We had nothing to do that. Most of the time we're not even paying attention. If you hit 3 in a row in the water off 11 tee, that wasn't us - any idiot can see it's just your clubface is open at impact, which usually results in a push or a slice. Aim further left and leave us out of it, dumbasses.

PADRE: So you're saying you and your dad have never intervened in the events of Golfapalooza?

JESUS: I can't say never. We have this inside joke in heaven that my dad designed Alpine Lake golf course but he let Satan design #13 green. So from time to time we've blessed a few Loozers by letting them off the green with a mere 3-putt when they could have earned much more. Also that one guy almost died of alcohol poisoning a few years ago and we made sure he got to the hospital despite no one at Golfapalooza being physically or legally capable of driving a car.

PADRE: Great, well this has been awesome Jesus; any final words of wisdom before you go, er...I mean, before you ascend?

JESUS: Please tell Spanky he can eat pork if he wants to and nothing bad will happen, and tell GStan he is in a shit-load of trouble. I'm quite sure he knows why.

PADRE: Okay, well thanks so much Jesus, it was a pleasure pretend-talking to you as always.

JESUS: You're quite welcome. Ouch, easy with the handshake, my hands are still a little sore.

Only 46 days until the (Twenty-)Second Coming of Golfapalooza!