August 23, 2018

WHEELING, WV — Last October, twenty-one Loozers put $125 on the line, on their waistlines to be precise, for the almost annual Biggest Loozer Bet, also known as the Fat Bet. "We call it 'almost' annual because looking at last year's photos, I don't think a single person participated. I think there was a 15-way tie for last place," says the Chair of the Golfapalooza Fat Bet Committee, JT "Jambone" Thomas. But Jambone says this year one lucky Loozer could theoretically take home as much as $2,500. "There is no way the winner will really get that much money, but seeing Facebook photos of many Loozers this summer, it still looks like it will be a record-breaking payout."

The rules of the competition are pretty straightforward. The risk to the pot for no weight-loss at all is $125 per Loozer, and Loozers can reduce the amount they owe by $10 for each percentage point worth of body weight they lose, up to 10 percent. The person losing the highest overall percentage of their body weight will collect all the money in the pot. There was a pussy rule added, allowing a Loozer to opt-out of the possibility of winning the pot (the opt-deadline was a long time ago; don't even ask), removing the extra $25 of risk. Only 1 Loozer opted for the pussy rule. Way to man up Cane.

Rumors are floating around that the clear front-runner in this year's bet is nine-time Rookie of the Year runner-up Christian "Killer" Miller. "Tenth time may be the charm for the ROY," Killer noted, "but looking at the size of the Fat Bet pot, I think I'm gonna stop trying for ROY and just focus on the Fat Bet every year." GStan, Jambone and Swanky all started quickly and had surpassed ten percent before the end of the year, but have had difficulty keeping up the pace. GStan noted "Jambone lives on my street now. He cuts his grass and weedwhacks without a shirt on. I'm preeeetty sure he's not in first place. Also, preeeeetty sure I'm not either. I've lost a grand total of 1 pound since Christmas. Stupid IPAs."

Other Loozers have had mixed results in the competition. Sleepy has been observed to be looking fairly tight, which is pretty impressive for a pack-a-day smoker whose only exercise has been long distance running. Quack is rumored to have started a new exercise regimen, but he posts a lot of pictures on Facebook with his face still looking rather round. TheHammer, who got in the Fat Bet despite being unable to attend GXXII, has gone on the record basically raising the white flag. "Just tell me who to make the $125 check out to," TheHammer commented in disgust. "I started at 206, and every day when I get on the scale I'm still 206. I think my scale is definitely broken. Or like I'm in that movie "Groundhog Day", only instead of a groundhog, there's this annoying ****ing scale that says the same ****ing number every day."

Perhaps the most bizarre Loozer Fat Bet story of this year is that of Founding Father Brian "Butter" Flanagan. "I saw some Facebook post last year that said "Fat Bet" and without knowing any of the details, I thought to myself, 'look at me. How could I not win something called the Fat Bet I'm IN!" But then I read the detailed rules and the objective months later, I realized I had grossly misjudged what the term Fat Bet actually meant. I'm gonna pay more attention to the fine print next time."

The full participant list, starting weights and target weights are below:

Jambone 235.6 212.1

Quack 225.8 203.3

Sleepy 240.0 216.0

Chef 272.6 245.4

Whitey 260.5 234.5

Cane 214.0 192.6

Walt (just Walt) 257.4 231.7

Swanky 203.0 182.7

Honey 195.5 176.0

KGB 215.6 194.1

Killer 234.4 211.0

GStan 209.0 188.1

Spyderrrrrrrrrrr 214.5 192.6

Sheiker 212.2 191.0

RealStan 216.4 194.8

Butter 300.6 270.6

BDubs 260.0 234.0

TheHammer 206.0 185.4

Randy 232.0 208.8

Padre 203.6 183.3

Bro 265.6 238.5

Only 20 more days of cardio and carrot sticks until GXXII! CAN'T WAIT!