August 25, 2018

POWELL, OH — Julian Assange of Wikileaks fame is most widely known for shamelessly and unapologetically exposing leaked secrets of government organizations and public officials. But this week Wikileaks has delved into unfamiliar territory, unleashing a scandal of epic proportions onto the world of amateur golf. The private Golfapalooza Facebook page had its full contents stolen and shared with Wikileaks, and Wikileaks in turn dropped a truth bomb on the world.

"Most of the content is benign," advised Assange, noting that "it is almost exactly what you would expect to find in a private group filled with aging, beyond-their-athletic-prime, overweight, balding, midlife-crisis-having men - a lot of pictures of fat guys pretending to be real athletes, a lot of dick and fart jokes, golf videos and memes, and guys razzing each other, some far more cleverly than others, about their varied and voluminous shortcomings. But the real shocking part of the content is the open sharing of the sexual exploits of each other's moms."

Every Loozer we reached out to for an interview either outright declined to comment, or referred us to an attorney who also declined to comment. And one Loozer referred us to your mom. We were however, able to reach a number of Loozer moms directly who agreed to provide comment on the condition of anonymity. "I didn't raise my boys to talk like that" is a quote we heard from most of the moms. "My sex life is my own business, not theirs" was another common quote.

"Like how DARE they," one angry Loozer mom stated, "insinuating that I've had sex with basically the entire Golfapalooza participant field, when in reality I've only had sex with four of them, maybe five. I'm not sure cause there was that one night I blacked out." Another mom was disgusted by the absurd hyperbole of it all. "Their jokes are anatomically and mathematically ridiculous. They make it sound like you could just drive a truck right up in into my - well, you know - 'down there'. How dumb is that? Like I know I can fit a couple fists in there, perhaps three but I'm not certain of that. I've never tried three. I'm a good Catholic girl after all. And the references to how often we're having sex. People would need serious medical attention if they were really doing that."

One other common theme was the arrogance of it all. "Like they're just assuming that WE would even WANT to have sex with THEM," your mom noted. "Have you seen the photographs of these guys? We all look better in our 60s and 70s than these guys do in their 40s. We're too good for them! Some of them couldn't get any action with a bucket of change on nickel night at Jill's Lounge! - and I'm actually not sure if Jill's has a nickel night; the place where I work does, but I just used Jill's as an example because everyone knows that place."

Only one comment was received from moms that was not entirely negative. "That meme with a picture of a middle-aged woman and a rooster that says 'your mom - she loves the cock', that's funny no matter who you are."

Only 18 days until Loozer nation takes a 4-day vacation from your mom!

Can't wait! (That's what SHE SAID!)