August 27, 2018

WHEELING, WV — It's that time of year again where we rely on the expert analysis of JT and Killer for their predictions on the outcome of the annual KGB Cup event. For the last few years Killer provided commentary with JT offering his rebuttal. This year the roles have changed with JT leading off.

Group 1 Quack and GStan vs Whitey and Honey

JT - There is some Brass in this group!!  All buckle holders here.  Oh wait, that's not a buckle on Honey's belt. It's a scouring pad for cleaning up after Chef!!  What a great way to kick things off. Quack has won the Raw title more than anyone in Golfapalooza history.  His mere presence on the tee is enough to make the average golfer shudder. Gstan is not only a Founding Father. He's like the Founding Father of the Founding Fathers!!!  Talk about pressure!!  How are you supposed to hit a golf ball in front of these two??  I mean GStan gets the most out of a golf game for someone who plays four rounds a year than anyone I've ever seen!!  Quack doesn't even need his "A" game. He just needs to bring his "B" game and make sure Whitey knows he's watching!!! Whitey SHOULD have the most individual Raw titles but seems to fall apart every time he shotguns ten measly beers.  Still can't figure that one out.   When asked if he thought he had a chance to upset the power duo of Quack and Gstan, Whitey said.... "Sure!"  .... and left. His partner had tons more to say!!! "Do you know I have a chance here to be the second Loozer in history to sponsor back to back ROYs??  I mean, who's the man??? (Two thumbs pointing at himself)." I didn't have the heart to tell him that both of them could possibly run unopposed!!  Sorry Killer!!  Honey is (usually) Money!!!  Not so fast my friend!!

Team Quack in a beat down here: 5-0

Killer - What a stellar collection of Loozers the KGB Cup Captains have put together to kick off this event. If this were a 4-man scramble team they'd be obliterating the course record - but this is the KGB Cup. You might think that GStan going from three straight years of KGB Cup Spyderrrrrrrrrrr bites, to being paired with one of three guys who filled out his website options beer order with "no thanks" would be a huge advantage for this team. But as soon as GStan escapes Spyderrrrrrrrrrr's web, he finds himself staring down the barrel of a "shotgun". Whitey that is. Every Loozer knows that GStan has one thing in common with your mom: he just can't say no. Whitey will pretend to be pissed at how he's playing around hole 3, and he'll ask GStan if he wants to shotgun a beer with him and that will be all she wrote. You can count on no points from GStan for this entire match.

Quack was once a revered low-raw contender and winner for many years at Golfapalooza, but lately the only time he sees a golf course is a birds-eye view from 30,000 feet when he has a window seat on the airplane. Add into this match-up the familial bonding between Whitey and Honey and this should be an embarrassing runaway. The one chance Quack and GStan could even hope for in this match-up is that Honey would be too tired from pulling an all-nighter cleaning the cabin to play golf, but this event is on the first day. No such luck. Nothing to clean yet. Honey will save the disappointing his teammates for Friday or Saturday.

Prediction: Team Whitey, 5-0

Group 2 Cane and Jambone (Quack) vs Winthorp and Randy (Whitey)

JT - For years Jambone has lacked confidence because of his rising handicap.  Quack was a Genius here putting him in a group where he will be the tallest of the four (unless Cane wears his lifts and golf shoes with the heel). This could be just what the doctor ordered for this former Raw winner. Hopefully, the weight of the King of Corn belt doesn't affect his game too much.  BoMan is the picture of consistency on the links!!  You could not have selected a better partner for the Hot/Cold Jambone. Although, Cane will have a lot more on his mind this time around!!  For the first time in his storied Golfapalooza history, Pat will be playing with the pressures of a significant female at home wondering "what do they like so much about this Golfapalooza thing. Think they'll have strippers this year??"  It's a whole different ballgame when you've got the ole ball and chain on your mind.  

Winthorp and Randy look good on paper.  However the good looks stop there!! The two will mix like oil and water (or like Fire and Ice and we all know how that turned out).  Winthorp will want to smoke cigars, play 70s disco and wear pants that don't even come close to matching his shirt. None of these even crack Randy's Top 100. Both good partners but not for each other.  I don't think Winthorp even knows what a volleyball is!!  Although I'm sure he will place $20 out of his ashtray on it!!  Randy's fade gets bigger every year.  Just like the rest of our waistlines!!   Not this year!!  Could be in for a record amount of fat lost in the Fat Bet!!

Team Quack rolls again.  5-0

Killer - The KGB Cup Captains hit another home run with this match-up, about as fine a group of Hall-of-Fame Lifer Loozers as could be put together without a Founding Father in it. Jambone was quick to point out "if we could just trade out Winthorp for Bro, this would be THE best possible group I could imagine being assembled" seriously, is it too late to make that trade??

This match-up looks tight at first glance, but a bare minimum of analysis reveals this to be as one-sided a match-up as the KGB Cup could produce. Quack was really "short" sighted putting Cane and Jambone together. A recent Golfapalooza fake news survey and article posited that nobody cares who the real shortest Loozer is but these two do care. Every time these two are standing within a few yards of each other they'll be propping themselves up on their tiptoes, each one looking to surpass that magical 5'6" mark and making sure everyone around can see it. Expect both of these seasoned veterans to be dealing with severe foot and calf cramps well before the end of the first 6-hole match.

On the other side, what a brilliant play by Whitey matching up Randy and Winthorp against these two. Randy and Winthorp will play solid golf, and that is all they'll need. The rest of the match will be psychological skull-****ery. Mr. Randy Watson-ah never met a short joke he didn't like, and the odds are good that he's searching www.meanshortjokes.com nightly to ensure he has a full arsenal come Wednesday, September 12. It won't take long before Cane will just be wishing the round was over. And no other Loozer can get into Jambone's head like Winthorp. "Your mom" jokes are awesome, but "your sister" jokes can be just as good; even better when they're not jokes but real-life. Add in a couple subtle questions like "Hey JT, what's that new weird thing ya doin' at the topaya back-swing??" Game set match. Adding injury to insult, Jambone will try to return fire back at Winthorp, but how can you get in a guy's head who doesn't even understand the jokes?

Jambone and Cane better hope for some points to be allocated for which group can eat more wings afterward; otherwise, another shut out.

Prediction: Team Whitey, 5-0

Parts 2 and 3 to follow.