August 31, 2018

WHEELING, WV — Match 3 Alf and Spanky (Quack) Vs Butter and Bro (Whitey)

JT - There are two people in the entire group who play competitive golf.  Somehow, Quack managed to get them both AND paired them together!!!   It really doesn't matter who Whitey chose here.  This spot is for the sacrificial lamb!!! Alf probably has 6 of the seven lowest rounds in G history and Spanky has gotten better every year since his return from ........ vacation 😳.  Very tough to stay on your game when someone is outdriving you by a football field and his partner is talking about how he kicked your butt as a kid in everything!!  

Bro and Butter will certainly have chemistry but this not the science bowl.  Chemistry won't help.  If it were a drinking contest, or a music festival, maybe even cornhole doubles, these guys might have a chance. But it's not!!  Not enough smooth 7 woods or Butter fades for this one to be even remotely close. With that being said, the over under on best line nominees coming out of this foursome is 7 and I'm sure we will have at least one new catch phrase. Can?t wait!!!

Team Quack sweeps again 5-0

Killer - This match-up is another brilliant piece of strategy by Whitey. I'm sure Quack is really proud of himself on this one, but that is only going to last until tee-off time. Quack was able to draft two of Golfapalooza's strongest players, including the lowest handicapper in Golfapalooza history in Alf. To the average observer, (and judging by many of the comments that followed the release of the teams, there are a lot of average Loozers), it looks like an easy 5 points for team Quack. But Whitey has everyone fooled on this one.

Sure, Alf and Spanky are great golfers, but they're not nearly good enough to overcome the advantage Bro and Butter will have throughout this match: strokes. No, not the kind everyone gets from your mom every night; just literal free strokes on the scorecard, perhaps two or three per hole in some instances. There's no better weapon in golf than one that lets you tie or beat someone's birdie with a bogey of your own. I can already hear Alf out on number 5 tee box complaining, "I'm ****ing two under par, my lips hurt already from blowing the birdie horn and I'll probably have to birdie one or both of the next two holes JUST TO HALVE THE MATCH!"

And Alf and Spanky are not giving up the strokes to just any ol' Loozer also-rans - this is Butter and Bro - a Founding Father and a 15-year veteran with multiple MVLs. These two know every bump, every tree, every short cut, every ground under repair that can't seem to get fixed year after year, and every slope on every green. It won't take long for this one to get ugly. Hell, Bro can drive it into the trees on number 7 and still make eagle from there, which will of course be a net hole-in-one on the scorecard. That will be the beginning of the end for these Quackers. Butter and Bro will prance casually through this match like Pepe Lepew, and Alf and Spanky will struggle mightily and futilely like the cat who just desperately doesn't want to hook up with a skunk. (Seriously, this really was a ****ing kids cartoon - like, does that still play on TV? WTF?!)

Prediction: Team Whitey 4.5 - Team Quack .5

I'm feeling generous; we'll pretend Alf birdied number 5 to help grind out a push of his first match.

Match 4 KGB and Sheiker (Quack) vs Sleepy and Killer (Whitey)

JT - I'm calling foul on this one!!!  Serious COLLUSION here!!  Are you telling me Quack didn't know that KGB and Sheiker were going to bond this winter at the Blackjack table in St. Louis with the Penguins broadcast team??  Not only does Quack have two of the sneakiest handicappers in the field, but now they have chemistry!!!!  Sure Sheiker will post 120's to keep his handicap but I've played with him several times.   His three 12's kill his score but he will kill you on the other 15 holes!!!  Not only is he straight, but with his added 30 lbs, now he's long too!!!  Not 'Sleepy' long but long enough to crush any of us with 2 strokes per hole!!!!  Patch has the highest handicap of anyone who claims to hit 350 yard drives straight down the middle on a consistent basis in the history of the game.  We asked KGB about this discrepancy and this was his comment, "I'm KGB for God's sake (sorry Padre)!! I love me some ME. Sometimes I might exaggerate about how beautiful my hair is or how important I am at the Missouri Athletic Club or, in this case, how well I'm driving the ball. So kiss my ****ing  a** and come see for yourselves!!" Then he turned to G-Stan and mouthed "I'm ****ing killing it!!"

Sleepy and Killer as a team???  What is Whitey thinking??  He could not have picked more polar opposites. I'll let that marinate for just a sec..... Get your minds out of the gutter.  What I meant was Sleepy is so Happy go Lucky not a care in the World on the golf course.  Just glad not to be at Bob Evans or painting some Loozers house (sorry that was me).  And on the other hand, Killer will analyze every stroke (again with the minds in gutter) not only his but Sleepy's. "I know I'm not that good but I can see what people are doing wrong. You really need to put little Sleepy away and try an actual club.  It's impressive and all but we do have wings riding on this match"!!!  He will use body English (usually leaning to the left after every shot), and stand over each shot with arms crossed and hat on crooked or in hand before going back to cart for another club!!!   Pairing made in hell.  Killer will have an inferiority complex in a cart with the two Sleepys (and who can blame him) and Sleepy's happy go lucky will be severely tested.  

Can I say COLLUSION and KGB that close to each other?

You guessed it Team Quack 5-0

Killer - I'm almost feeling sorry for Quack and his team at this point. Yet another match-up that looks great for their team - only to the under-informed. "Watch this, I'll pick KGB and Sheik and put them together to make a cart with more Golfapalooza experience than any other cart in this KGB Cup - it's a lock!" It's not just about experience, it's about team chemistry. Sure, KGB and Sheik may have bonded at the casino in St. Louis in the off-season, but the first rule of going to the casino is 'what happens at the casino stays at the casino'. And did it ever. I have it on good authority that nothing pisses off Golfapalooza's CFO more, other than people pissing next to #7 tee box, than late payments. Stroll on over to the participant balances section of the website and you'll find KGB right where he always is this time of year - delaying Sheiker from making all of his pre-counted, pre-separated, pre-labeled piles of cash for all of the prize payouts until the last minute. You can't just erase years of resentment with one night at a casino. 

Add to this the fact that KGB will be really pressing from the get go in this group - trying to prove straight up that he's the best lefty at Golfapalooza, trying to put up a low number in the one round where he gets to claim the score as his own, trying to outplay one of the three Kanieckis who are definitely better at golf than him, and trying to show he's at least somewhat worthy of having a round named after him. Yep, this group is doomed.

It almost doesn't even matter how Sleepy and I play. What matters matters. Sleepy is easily one of the most laid back and fun Loozers in the field to play a round of golf with. He doesn't need "the Binford" or any of Patio's "special prescription" to relax, (wrong Kaniecki brother), that just is who he is. And he'll be playing with a brand new me who's just like him. From the waist up of course.  I've spent the better part of a year unburdening myself from the stress of running a furniture store, unburdening myself from about 50 pounds of excess baggage, and unburdening myself of my dream of ever winning rookie of the year. I feel like a brand new man. I am a brand new man. (So brand new that maybe I can requalify for that rookie thing on a technicality. I'll be the first person to get a belt buckle and ROY at the same time!) Nope, just kidding, I really have moved on. Sleepy and I are just days away from the most enjoyable and most dominating KGB Cup match in Golfapalooza history. The only thing that could screw it up is Sleepy getting too hammered to play. And he really only chooses to do that on days when there is a cornhole tournament; on those days he likes to leave the golf course, puke, pass out for 4 hours, eat some pizza crust, puke again and then go out and dominate a cornhole tournament like none of this was out of the ordinary. Too bad for KGB and Sheiker that the KGB Cup doesn't take place on Thursday or Friday. This performance will be so lopsided - Prediction: Team Whitey 10-0 Am I not allowed to do that? Ok - Prediction: Team Whitey 5-0 but it felt like 10-0

Part 3 to follow