September 9, 2018

WHEELING, WV — Match 5

Monte and Chef (Quack) Vs GG and Sensei (Whitey)

JT - At first glance Quack's combo of Monte and Chef seems to be a head scratcher. However, Quack was able to shed some light on his strategic pairing.  "Have you ever played with these guys when someone rolls in a birdie putt??!! I'm just curious to see what happens!!  Chest Bump for the ages about to go down!! The immovable mountain vs Carl from Slingblade. There's no way their combined vertical (in inches) is greater than the par of the hole they're playing!" Seriously though, the brilliance lies in the fact Monte and Chef have limited distractions.  Monte will have already delivered the New Yorkers on time and now can just pop in a stogie, tell a story about Jager, and proceed to make his way around Alpine with no worries.  Speaking of no worries, Chef can enjoy his most favorite day of G....... the day we eat at the Lodge. Hey ohhhhhh!!!  Food is not as good but direct all complaints to the new management at the bar.  Chef and Monte will not have a care in the world other than methodically tearing GG and Sensei a new ass (and Sensei will certainly need one after the six hour car ride..... my bad, 4 hours.... Monte drove). They will also have tons to talk about concerning the WooWoo menu 😳!!

GG's back and better than ever!!!  With the absence of Grandpa Al, Garrett becomes the elder statesman of the group and the only who qualifies to hit from the senior tees!!   What???!!!   The longest guy in the group also hitting from the Golds???   Long is good (right Sleepy?) but have you ever seen that short game???  Yikes!!!!  There is a reason for the lack of hardware on Double G's mantle. Great scramble partner but match play is not the format for this long baller.

Sensei has waaaaay too much on his mind with the Mets mired in yet another disappointing season, the absence of Buddy Linkner, yet another delay in the filming of Karate Kid IV, and let's not forget, that tendency to throw up 8 after 8 on the scorecard.  He could be in danger of losing his current G nickname giving way to "The Snowman"!!  When asked about his current mental status, Sensei offered, "I really miss my green jacket! I'm sad and my kids are sad. That thing was like my coat of courage!!  Did you see how many hot chicks I was able to approach in that thing??  I've lost my conversation starter. What do I open with now??  "Hey baby, wanna smell the most horrendous fart of your life??  Trust me. That one never works.  I'm 0-9 with that one so far!!"

Team Quack way too much here 5-0

Killer - That Whitey is a sneaky genius isn't he? Pairing up two guys who are both more due for a good round than any other Loozers in the field. DoubleG will be back at Alpine Lake after a year of rest from the tournament. Much like a flukey, way-better-than-your-handicap round you always seem to be able to post that first time out every spring, Team Whitey can expect no less than greatness out of DoubleG this coming Wednesday as he makes his much anticipated return to Golfapalooza glory. Team Scramble Partners may not get a lot out of him the rest of the week, but no one really gives a **** about that for this article.

Then you add in Sensei. That 54-over par he turned in a month ago is just a distant memory. "Like I don't even have any bad shots left in me for this season. I got them all out of my system, most of them on one hole, and I'm peaking exactly when you wanna be," says a confident Sensei. "I don't even remember what that Green Jacket looks like anymore. Okay I'm lying. I look at those pictures all. The. Time. But you know what I mean."

Other the other side of this match up, we've got Oil and Water. Seriously, has Quack ever even met any of these people before the draft? Monte is the exuberant, enthusiastic, just happy to be alive and give someone a bear hug New Yawka. Nothing like buzz-killing that guy by putting him with Golfapalooza's reigning champion of being annoyed by the world and almost everyone in it. We love you Chef, but you'll be getting no love or bonding from Monte about how every store that ever sold anything sells all of its seasonal items too early in the season, or how everyone in the airport for the first time can't just fly the ****ing plane themselves. The one thing that could bring this team together is Woowoo - with Monte supplying the equipment and Chef supplying the ingredients. But we just got here. Nothing is frozen yet. And Chef is annoyed by that too. Maybe the ping pong balls will put these two together for some redemption on Thursday or Friday, because Wednesday's not gonna go well.

Prediction: Another shut out for Team Whitey 5-0

Match 6  

Father Dave and Walt (Quack) Vs Sal and Bill (Sizeten) (Whitey)

JT - Quack displays pure brilliance with this pairing!!!  If you suck at golf, you?re going to need some help!!  This is not a twosome.  It's a threesome.  A 90% priest, a guy who wears Jesus sandals and GOD himself.  How can they go wrong with divine intervention!!  En el nombre del Padre, del Hijo y spiritu sante, Amen!!!   Enough said!!!  Walt's monster drives and sweet short game are plenty to carry this "Trio" to victory.  Father Dave will not have stranger anxiety and is looking for a huge Sophomore year to add to his collection of hardware from last year.  Brandy Barrel in the cart will be the secret weapon for Walt. Hopefully they have enough energy remaining from huge efforts in the fat bet.  It is the first round so all should be well.  

Whitey took a flier on a rookie in Doctor Sal, but had the wherewithal to pair him with a seasoned buckle holder in Sizeten. Bill should be a calming presence for the first timer (Hahahaha)!!!!  Hopefully the Italian Stallion is a homophobe and they should get along just fine. Sal was asked if he was excited to bust his cherry at Alpine Lake and had this to say, "Cherry?  I'm from Long Island you bonehead!!!  I've had more ass than Porta John in Times Square on New Year's Eve!!!  This is going to be like a par 3!!" 😳 (and somewhere Jackie wakes up in a cold sweat!). Bill's thoughts on playing with the rook?? ........"That's gay!!"

Team Quack in a walk!!!  5-0

Killer - This is quite a diverse group of Loozers. No two guys from the same town or high school, no two guys living in the same neighborhood, no two guys with any significant memorable Golfapalooza bonding moments. It is a match-up that seems fairly unpredictable, but based on how Whitey and Quack have done in putting together the first five groups, it's more than fair to assume that on this one as well, Whitey knows what he's doing and Quack doesn't.

Judging by some recent Facebook photos of Sizeten (maybe Sizetwelve now), as well as what a Google image search return suggests about this mysterious rookie SalPal, it appears Whitey's strategy here may have been to put together the heaviest golf cart in the KGB Cup. Just steamroll these Quackers. Another factor that is sure to influence this match is that Sizeten is semi-retired now. He's got a "sugar momma" who makes even more money than KGB's wife, El Presidente; maybe not as much as Winthorp's though. Sizeten hasn't been adding any cards on the website, but he surely has had plenty of time to work on his golf game and play far better than his established handicap.

Not knowing what to expect out of our rookie SalPal, this could be a briefly rocky start as these two get to know each other. The first thing Sizeten is going to find out about his cart partner is his occupation probably. Sizeten, always one to resist any gay at Golfapalooza, will probably be sitting in the cart on the first tee saying something like "What? You put your hands inside dude's mouths!?!? What the hell else do you put in there!?!?" I'm sure they'll get over the awkwardness pretty quickly and SalPal will realize that Sizeten is only homophobic, but not an anti-dentite.

On team Quack, nothing but jealousy and resentment in this cart. Father Dave better start right now praying for some kind of miracle to happen on Wednesday. JustWalt is going to spend half of this round just wondering about how some rookie got two cool nicknames within a day of arriving at his first Golfapalooza and JustWalt is still waiting. Maybe Padre can lend him one of his: Father Walt!!! And while Sizeten and SalPal look like they'll have a balanced cart, Padre and Walt aren't even going to look like they are a team. Padre, who was already pretty fit when the Fat Bet started, looks like he's been pretty disciplined this summer. Walt does not appear to have been quite as aggressive; we'll find out for sure on Wednesday. We've got the potential, (reminiscent of when Sheiker and Bulzie played together), of having another "they look like the number 10?" pointed out from the gallery as these two step on to 18 tee box. Not even a priest and the Jesus-sandals-wearing guy can redeem this match-up from hell for the Quackers.

Prediction: "SalPal, reporting live from Lincoln Financial Field, says Team Whitey 5-0"

Match 7 BDubs (Quack) Vs Spyderrrrrrrrrrr and Rookie Joe (Whitey)

JT - Whaaaatt? A rookie with Spyderrrrrrrrrrr? That combo, along with BDubs' thirst for moonshine, they'll be lucky to finish nine holes let alone remember to keep score. BDubs will still be doing victory shots after winning the cornhole doubles belts last year. (Best Ric Flair voice...) "Woooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!" After the match, Rookie Joe was asked his thoughts of his first live round at Golfapalooza, "We played golf today?????"

0-0 Push. You can't score what isn't there!

Killer - Agreed. After all the brilliant moves Whitey put together I'm not sure what was in his mind here. I hope none of these guys are on my scramble team Thursday.

Final predictions

JT - Team Quack 30, Team Whitey 0

Killer - Team Whitey 29.5, Team Quack 0.5 (but really should be 34.5 - 0.5)

Three days until the KGB Cup! Can't wait!!!!!!!