August 1, 2020

WATERLOO, IL — After listening to Grandpa Al complain about every shot in their latest nine hole round, KGB decided to pay him back by having a press conference about GXXIIII in the flower bed in his front yard.

Gentlemen & Spanky:

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to wreak havoc on what we once knew as normal, The Golfapalooza Founding Fathers would like to address our plans, as well as solicit input and feedback from the rest of Loozer Nation, for the upcoming Golfapalooza at Alpine Lake. First and foremost, we want to make sure that a safe and responsible (Covid related) environment is offered so that all of our attendees can feel comfortable about their own attendance, as well their families, friends, colleagues, etc. upon your return from Alpine Lake. Yes, Golfapalooza will be a little different, weird if you will. But to quote Golfapalooza's Godfather "A weird Golfapalooza will be better than no Golfapalooza."

Below are some topics that we plan to address specifically, all in the interest of diminishing the risk of contracting/spreading the virus during our trip. The primary focus is on the commonly shared, close proximity events - things like poker/euchre, eating and snacking, cornhole, awards ceremony, Calcutta, TV/Sports viewing, and the sleeping arrangements. Full transparency, I originally typed this with "cornhole and the sleeping arrangements" as the final two items and it felt uncomfortable, so I re-ordered them.

* Masks - we request that if you are going to be in the cabin, you wear your mask, even if you are just running inside to grab something. If you are in the bathroom taking a dump, wear your mask. This will also protect you from the scent of whatever Butter did in there 20 minutes prior.

* We plan to move as many, if not all, of the "common gathering" activities to the outside. Obviously we can leverage the front porch for things like poker tables, chairs, perhaps even couches. We are looking at moving the TVs to the large windows, if not outside as well. We plan to assemble as many canopies and tents as possible (in case Mother Nature decides to be a bitch) in the front yard. We are not suggesting that gathering inside won't be acceptable or possible, but by doing this, we open up the inside for much less congestion.

o We will need Loozers to respond with their willingness to bring a canopy.

o Chairs should not be an issue, but we need to make sure we have 20/25 plus camping chairs

o Folding tables/banquet tables - I suspect we will need to either bring or ascertain some of these, so we don't have to take the inside tables outside. We could discuss with the lodge/pro shop the use of some of their tables during the week.

o TVs and/or Firesticks are something Butter seemed to think we consult Bro on to outline a strategy.

o There has even been some discussion about leveraging the backyard, assuming we can remain respectful of the Wilsons. I suggested it could be like a VIP/High-Stakes Bid Euchre Room, for the more experienced and accomplished players. We will have to vote on whether Killer is accomplished enough to play at this table.

* Meals - We believe we can still serve meals in a similar fashion, making sure the menu item(s) diminishes the amount of server utensil sharing. Things like steak and pizza should be fine. Tacos are probably not ideal.

o Snacks - we plan to only provide individually wrapped snacks like crackers, Poptarts, candy bars, Twinkies, etc. and eliminate shared bags and containers. You may need to buy and store your own chip and dip. Personally I know I'm bringing my own container of sour cream.

* Cornhole - Limit it to 4 sets of boards so we can spread out as much as the lights will allow. It's possible we back off this for a portion of the doubles tournament, but only if masks are worn during play.

* Awards Ceremony will be moved outside. If good weather, we can really SPREAD OUT (insert Butter's mom joke here)

* Calcutta is outside, as always. SPREAD OUT again (more Butter's mom)

* Sleeping arrangements - while we have largely evolved into most people sleeping in their own bed, we want to make sure we are offering EVERYONE the option of their own bed. We plan to have a 2nd cabin available again, as of now it's a cabin by the boathouse on the other side of the lake instead of the Chalet next door.

o If any Loozer would like to request their own room, we plan to offer this option as well, assuming availability. This will be based on the availability of rooms at the Lodge, which we won't know until August 15th. Loozers may be responible for the additional cost.  

o Our preference is that Loozers not sleep (naps sitting up may happen) overnight on the couches in the common area of the Wilson Cabin (sorry JT). This is for the safety of contracting/spreading the virus, as well as not having to deep throat pizza crust while sleeping.

* Coolers - with us taking over the traditional cooler space with tables and chairs, we will have to improvise on the cooler location. Perhaps, if we have enough canopies, we can designate one canopy for coolers and set it off to the side.

o Traditionally, guys have shared coolers. It's way easier for space and packing purposes, particularly in years where Boland was comfortable traveling inside the cooler. While sharing coolers could be "frowned upon", like masturbating on an airplane, we realize this will still happen and we encourage you to limit the cooler sharing to just a few Loozers and ONLY be digging through your own cooler(s). Loozers can coordinate this in advance of descending upon Alpine Lake and the Wilson Cabin.

* Golf carts - we will be discussing with the Pro Shop the availability of single person carts should any Loozer have such a request.

* Celebrations like high fiving, chest bumps, fist bumps, etc. This will be up to your own preference and comfort within your group. I promise you, if GStan rolls in a 20-footer for birdie on #10 or a 30-footer on #7 for eagle, I'm tackling him. Discuss this amongst your group BEFORE tee off, so everyone's interests and comfort level is understood and respected.

* Wash your hands and sanitize frequently. We will make sure there is ample amount of sanitizer available throughout the cabin(s).

o If Sizeten attends, there's even been some discussion (requests actually, and not the first year it's been requested) of modifying one of the cabin doorways into a full-fledged misting and sanitizing station, similar to a decontamination zone.

* If you are sick in advance of Golfapalooza, please do not attend, unless otherwise given a clean bill of health by a physician or testing center.

* If you have the means and ability to get tested within the weeks before Golfapalooza, by all means take advantage of that.

* Oh, and don't urinate on someone else.

I'd like to close by saying these recommendations developed by the Founding Fathers are a starting point. We are open to any and all feedback good or bad. Any bad feedback should be sent to GStan, with good feedback sent to me. Questions can be directed to your favorite Founding Father.