September 1, 2020

WHEELING, WV — After a one year hiatus due to Killer selling off the family business and not having time, the ever popular Point-Counterpoint analysis of the KGB Cup is back! With all the time he has to think while driving between deliveries, will Killer be on point? Will all of the paint fumes that JT breathed in while painting his house impact his rebuttals? Let's find out!

Match 1

Sizeten and Whitey vs Sleepy and KGB

Killer - This is the matchup that will set the tone for the rest of day. Sizeten chose Whitey who is arguably the best golfer at G this year and paired him with arguably the worst golfer, himself. Whitey's long ball, which is the strength of his game, is known to be sporadic at best and his confidence is affected by the play of his partner. Even if Sizeten manages to start out the match without being completely horrible, he's sure to go into homophobic rage on the back nine when KGB buys Sleepy a hot dog on the turn and says, "remember when ........."

Now we're going to talk about practice, that's right, practice. Sleepy has been seen at the range multiple times this summer, working on his weaknesses and turning them into strengths. Rumor has it that his shanks are gone and he's becoming a birdie machine. As for KGB, he's on the course more than anybody and with the strokes he's getting from Whitey, this will be no contest especially when he beats him straight up. I'm seeing a rout here.

Footlongs 5 Sizetens 0

JT - Whitey has dedicated his summer to four things: 1) Brewing beer 2) Losing Weight 3) Golf  and 4) Contending in Cornhole.  Well ?.. 3 out of 4 ain't bad!!  He will NEVER contend in Cornhole.  Hard to imagine someone holding the title as "The Best scramble Partner in the World" getting better at golf, but he has done it.  Playing three times a week (entering cards 2 times a month) has done wonders for an already impressive swing.  Side note: the home brew is very tasty and I'm not sure he's been this thin since 2007's 60 lb loss.  His partner, Captain Willy, is not known as the Charlotte "Swinger" because of his gorgeous golf swing.  The gross amount of strokes he will be receiving is testament to that.  His KGB Cup strategy is much like his sex life - ALWAYS STROKING!!!  Not sure anyone can overcome that many strokes.

Sleepy has always been known as a good scramble partner for his ability to get off the tee and steady putting game.  The problem here is that at some point he's gonna have to hit wedge.  I've personally witnessed 15 dead right shanks into the woods on an 85 yard par 3 this summer and we've only played two rounds together!!!!!  You heard me correctly!!  You do the math.  He's reportedly worked it out at the range and his story was backed up by Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster and George Glass (if you get the third reference without the assistance of Google, you were neglected as a child).  Let me just say I am going to be glad when the JT Thomas Award is re-named "The Sleepy". And then there's KGB.   Ughhh!!!  Where do I begin?  So much material.  Patch's game has improved over the years, just ask him!!!  His mental game is where the concern comes in.  Playing with Whitey will not help his fragile ego.  His good shots will be dwarfed (Sorry Boland - the thesaurus selected that over "midget") by the Albino Rhino.  If that weren't enough, the Ghost of Kerchak is waiting on the bank of 18 green.  KGB will feel the tightness around his neck starting around hole 12.   Sizetens 5  Footlongs 0

Match 2 JT and Winthorp (Team Sizetens) vs Bro and Spanky (Team Footlongs)

Killer - Sizeten must have felt like a genius when he put JT and Winthorp on the same team. I mean, come on, these two brothers-in-law have so much in common there's nothing that can tear them apart, their similarities are uncanny. They both try to live off their best golf rounds that are far in the past, they both practice at the range without it translating to improvement on the course, and they are both kept men by a much more successful wife. They both have ashtray money (though Winthrop's is much bigger) and they both love the bullhorn. So why is this team destined to fail? Because of the brilliance of Sleepy.

This team has no chance of camaraderie when JT spending every second of the five hour round fawning all over his man crush, Bro. "What's up Bro!?!" "What's up Bro!?!" "What's up Bro!?!"

One teammate will be star struck and the other, jelly. If that isn't enough, their opponents are a dream team. Spanky is a Floridian now, a relaxed, refreshed man living on a golf course with plenty of time to improve on an almost perfect swing. There is no doubt he'll be ready to kick a little ass (sorry JT). Then there's the new and improved Bro. With his seven wood, every tee shot straight and long (not sorry Sleepy), every second shot straight and long (again Sleepy), improved short game (again JT), and a shit ton of strokes, there's no doubt he will dominate. This will not "Shock the World!"

Footlongs 5 Sizetens 0

JT - Who plays more golf than Winthorp??? The answer is nobody.  The board of directors at Rockville Centre Links is considering charging him a double membership although he would have to ask Tina to double his allowance. His frequent practice sessions coupled with his more than generous 13 handicap makes him a first round draft choice every year for the KGB Cup. He doesn't have an extra large ashtray for nothing!!! Jambone has been in one of the longest golfing slumps Golfapalooza has ever seen.  Rumor has it that wearing around two heavy championship belts everywhere he goes has thrown his swing out of balance.  The newly adopted strategy of a celebration shot of fireball for par or better during a scramble has not helped his teams ascend toward the top of the leaderboard.  The reigning worst scramble partner in the world has vowed to improve his game and rumor has it, he's pretty serious.  John Hammerstick, GM of the Oglebay driving range confirmed suspicions saying, "That MFer's here more than I am!!"

Bro shocked the world in July claiming he was breaking his Golfapalooza attendance streak citing some of the newly adopted Covid precautions interfering with the spirit of Golfapalooza. "What can I say??  I was born to chest bump and hug"!!  When told that the new restrictions would ensure nobody could get close enough to hat stomp another Loozer, Bro updated his status to 99% attending and again "Shocked the world!"  That being said, Alpine doesn't set up well for 106 seven woods out of 121 swings. Couple that with the "When you're out you're out unless you're back in again" approach to GXXIIII and you have a recipe for disaster. The KGS (Kinder Gentler Spanky) that has appeared out of nowhere on Facebook may not be hardened enough for the rigors of Alpine Lake.  At one time, Spanky was one of the most feared trash talkers in the hills of Terra Alta routinely breaking out skullfuckery on anyone in his path. He had the mental fortitude to handle all that is Golfapalooza.  Not so sure how his Florida flat backyard course will prepare him for the challenges you face at Alpine.  When reached for comment about the upcoming match with the brother's in law Spanky had this to say, "I think they are both super guys and I wish them luck.  I can't waste what precious time I have left on this beautiful Earth with negativity.  Peace and Love to all." And then made duck lips and a kissing sound.  

No Brainer here

Sizetens 5   Footlongs 0

Keep an eye out for Part 2 coming soon!