September 5, 2020

TERRA ALTA, WV — Time to plop down on the La-Z Boy recliner, stretch out those legs, and get ready for Part 2 of this year's KGB Cup preview brought to you by Killer and JT.

Match 3

Cane and SalPal (Team Sizetens)vs. GStan and Butter (Team Footlongs)

Killer - It looks as if Sizeten put a wee bit of thought when he paired Cane with SalPal. There is very little negativity when it comes to Cane's golf game. He has very few short comings. His swing is so natural, as if he is using the tiniest bit of effort. If he has a flaw, it's so minuscule no one could notice. The boy is a competitor, and an enjoyment to watch. And that's exactly what SalPal will do. Sal is a great guy and brings class to the New York chapter that comes to Alpine Lake, but you can never fully trust a man that puts his hands in the mouth of other men for a living. Doctors are known to be good golfers but Sal is a dentist, which we all know isn't a real doctor. Jerry Seinfeld said it best: "What do you call a doctor that failed out of med school? A dentist!"

Now let's talk about the second half of this foursome, the real VIPs that makes this group interesting, GStan and Butter. GStan is as steady as they come at Alpine. Doesn't matter if he shows up playing his "A" game or his "B" game (that's as low as he goes) he will have it together on the first tee. His mind will be on golf, maybe the Leinenkugel Grapefruit Shandy that he just had for breakfast, and nothing else. He won't be thinking about wearing a mask at the cabin because of the China virus or of Trump's enviable victory in November. This day is all about golf and playing with fellow Founding Father, Butter. Butter is a huge key to the success of this team. The Butter fade is always in play and a gigantic reason this team will dominate. Butter's accuracy will be an enormous help to GStan, so he can go for those gargantuan drives that he's known for hitting. I see Team Sleepy winning big here.

Footlongs 5 Sizetens 0

JT - Sitonmyfaceski was really thinking with this next pairing.  SalPal is a pro at using tiny instruments in people's mouths and Boland loves tiny instruments in his mouth.  Talk about a dream team!!!  Once SalPal figures out how to plug in his computer and get registered he can concentrate on the real matter at hand.... The Golf.  When asked about Covid concerns SalPal just shook his head and said, "I'm a dentist in New Yawk for God's sake!!   If that won't kill me nothing will. I mean look at me!!! I'm a physical specimen, I'm 60, and I eat nothing but Kale shakes.   Plus I'm not on SnapFace or InstaChat so I don't really follow that shit anyway!" Boland is always ready for Golfapalooza!!  Well except for last year when he pulled a Lamebo excuse because he lost his lifts and feared the truth would be revealed.  The guy is just clutch!!!   Strokes won't matter cause he will par you to death!!!   Don't let the stature fool you; this guy is dynamite!!! What he lacks in height, he makes up for in girth!!! And we all know Girth matters!!! Right ladies????

G-Stan and Butter seem to be a great team on paper but golf is not played on paper!! Sleepy made a huge mistake with color choice here. Have you seen that green shirt on Butter and G-Stan??? Not sure how the are going to swing in those things.  Not to mention the fact that they have way too much in common and will not be concentrating on golf at all. I can here it now!!!

"Dude, did you ever seal the deal with the Burl??" "Not really but smell my fingers" "Speaking of my fingers..... Sorry about that time with your Mom..."

Butter will Fade and G-Stan will be rattled from arguing with Spanky and Killer the night before about Trump and only having Spyderrrrrrrrrrrr to back him up!!!

Sizetens 5 Footlongs 0

Match 4

Scotty J and Chef (Team Footlongs) vs Guy and B-Dubs (Team Sizetens)

Killer - I know this is starting to seem like Groundhog Day, but I don't know what Sizeten was thinking when he put this team together. Guy is not a guy you can count on to stay focused in these high pressure situations. He'll be on the phone with a Mexican watermelon shipper for half the round, while uploading pictures to Facebook for the other half. If he starts telling a story, a true story mind you, you can safely walk away and come back five minutes later and he'll still be telling the same story.....and probably not even notice you've walked away. Over/under on the number of combined times he says "true story" and "I promise you" - 57.5. As for B-Dubs, he'll just be happy if he can walk without a limp. After playing with B-Dubs this summer, I will admit to some improvement, but he's nowhere near KGB cup ready. If he's going to have success I think it will be next year at the earliest.

Now, Sleepy knows exactly what he's doing when he put a rookie with Chef. This isn't any ordinary rookie, this is Scotty J, an OG from the mean streets of South Wheeling. He's cut from the same cloth as his sponsor. He can golf like Spanky (even better), he can drink like Spanky (probably better), and he can trash talk like Spanky (let's wait and see on that). He will have no trouble fitting in on this trip. As for Chef, he's turned into a lean mean golfing machine. In less than five years he's gone from a 38 handicap to a 24. With no cooking on his plate this year (Ha, see what I did there?), he's going to be hitting bombs all day, straight down the middle.

This one won't even be close.

Footlongs 5 Sizetens 0

JT - Guy makes his long awaited return to G and Sizetenshoeski nabs him up. This could be the steal of the draft. Guy is primed for a big year after countless rounds with KGB. Nothing will prepare you for the stress of the KGB cup like .....Well playing with KGB himself.  This GUY can not be rattled.  Cigar smoke??  Not a problem!!  Jonas brothers music??  Got ya covered!!! Partnered with B-Dubs getting 35 strokes???  Jeeeeeeezus!!!!  This cat can par any hole at Alpine.  Rumor is that he is finally healthy after three straight years of playing through injuries!! This is your sleeper right here. And he's become very tech savvy over the past month !!! It's quite possible your RAM format decoder is having difficulty recognizing your ROM extensions within the external hard drive component.  Wouldn't hurt to convert the extensions to compatible format using previewer or winwax depending on your PC or Laptop platform.  Should fix it(you're welcome)!!

Scotty Jackson?? Any grown man that still uses a "y" at the end of his name has to raise eyebrows from the start!!   And if that's not enough???  He goes by Strawman???  Not sure if that is in reference to searching for a brain or "tiny" stature. Scoots is a mystery at this point!!! His 8 handicap disguised as an 11 is very intriguing though. Is he the next "Chosen One"??   We all know what this seemingly "easy" course does to promising Rooks. Let the sub-80 betting begin!!! Whitey failed to live up to the hype and Alf hit his hole in one and went home. And he's paired with Chef (if we can still call him that even though he's not cooking this year).  Brian is the perfect guy to stick with a newbie.   He's seen the entire course from every angle!!!!  Sure he'll hit the occasional 300 yard bomb but will it be in play??   And if it is, will it be followed by one of his patented burner, right going right wedges??  24 strokes is not enough to keep Brian in contention. Not to mention the rumor mill has his yardages significantly reduced with his recent reduction in.... let's call it Mass??

This one won't be close. Sizetens 5  Footlongs 0