KGB Cup Analysis Part 1
September 6, 2021
WHEELING, WV — It's time for another year of in-depth KGB Cup analysis from JT and Killer as they tap into their combined 30+ years of Golfapalooza experience to break down this year's matches. Special shout out goes to Killer who is on the sidelines for the KGB Cup.
Match 1 - Walt and Whitey vs Honey and Sheik
JT: Walt is a seasoned vest
. I mean Vet!! But his time is spent aging Bourbon and studying the culinary arts these days. The only birdies hes seen in 10 years are the Cornish Hens he whips up in the smoker. Whitey is coming in whiter than ever this year with a platelet count that rivals the Browns winning seasons in the past two decades. Likely to not even be the best Golfer named White at GXXV. And NO
Im not talking about Padre!!
Sheiker paired himself with Honey. He handles the money so why not be paired with it?? Honey IS money!! Sheiker is the straightest sneakiest 31 handicapper in the history of golf!! Hes bound to win some holes with double bogey let alone the 4-5 pars he will sneak in there.
Honey has had two long years to think about this day. Not sure how well his game will be but I do know the cabin will be much cleaner this year!!!
Sheiks take this one 5-0
Killer: Founding Father Sheiker is finally coming out of COVID hiding and gracing us with his presence, 24 out 25 aint bad. With his ever improving golf game improving even more over the past two years, he feels like this is his year. He did however put it all on the line with his choice of Honey to be his partner. Honey may be money but, is he lead group material? Im not so sure. His game has regressed a bit over the years. He can still hit the long ball, just not in the correct direction.
In his 13 previous trips to G there has always been that feeling that there was something missing when it comes to Walt.
Sweater vest, check
Birkenstocks, check
But what about that nickname, Walt?
Now we can check that off too. The Geeks! It may not be the nickname Walt will go by, but it will be his teams nickname and thats good enough. With this new found moniker, Walt used that positive energy and chose to play with the best possible partner, a man named White. No, not that one. No, not that one either. Its the one and only Aaron Whitey White, the one that deserves to have his name in his nickname and boy can that white boy golf. Whitey has been playing more golf this year than ever and it shows. Hes been striking the ball so well with a consistent fade, and rumor has it hes starting to chip around the green with his 7 iron, which will definitely take away those few shanks hes know to hit at crucial times. Too much here for the Sheiks to handle.
Geeks 5-0
Match 2 - Kid Rock and GStan vs Winthorp and Butter
JT: Winthorp is missing his 30th wedding anniversary but we all know 25 is way more important than 30. Likely to be cool as a cucumber under the rigors of Alpines marquis event as it gives him a break from the pressures of tournament play as defending champ at the Rockville Links. He's paired with Buttah who has taken the Bryson DeChambeau approach and added some girth during the COVID break. Combine this with a shot shape made for Alpine (Buttah Fade) and this is a match made in heaven. Hopefully Winthrops truck has an ashtray in the back as well. They will undoubtedly be taking some change from this group.
The Geeks pair 25 year staple GStan with Kid Rock making his comeback tour. Nobody has dedicated themselves more to making a golf impact at XXV than GStan. Hes got more rounds than Jake Paul this year!!! More holes filled than Butters Mom. It wont be enough. The long awaited return of Kid Rock isn't enough for this group to pull out a win here. He will be devastated to learn of the absence of Pot or Shot poker, heartbroken to learn that Mehul (his favorite Doctor) hasnt been to G since his last attendance, and crushed to learn that the binford has since been retired. No chance to get over his shock in time to perform in the KGB.
Sheiks 5-0
Killer: If Sheiker has one bright spot on his team, this is it. Winthorp and Butter do make a great team. They both love to tell stories, make people laugh, and most of all, make themselves laugh. But this isnt an open mic night at the Apollo, its the KGB Cup and thats not going to help the Abbott and Costello of Golfapalooza. This day is about golf and that will be the last thing these two will care about. Winthorp is not a bad golfer these days, and in New York hes had some success, but this isnt New York, its West by God Virginia, the Mountain State and the side hill lies arent anything like those flat courses hes used to on Long Island. Butter on the other hand grew up on these difficult slants but his balance isnt what it once was, and that could be an issue. Another issue is he will be playing against his baby brother and best bud, his brother from another mother.
GStan & Kid Rock are the perfect team for the KGB Cup. GStan is Mr. Golfapalooza and is ready to play. He is so dedicated that not only did he buy a pass this year to the hilliest course in Oglebay, but he also bought a season pass to the worst driving range so he could get used to the terrible tee boxes that Alpine has to offer. He will have great leadership for this team. Kid Rock will be making his first appearance to G in many years and hes not about to waste it. He will follow the lead of GStan and by the middle of the round, do some leading of his own. By number 12 hell be in the groove and show these boys how you can be successful with the always imitated, never duplicated highway tee shot. The only man at G to drive the hardest hole on the course, the 407 yard par four. This is definitely the team of destiny.
Geeks 5-0
Match 3 - Slick vs Jambone and Randy
JT: Three of Golfapaloozas finest golfers at one point in their careers all trying to find their way back to glory on the course while their true attention is elsewhere.
JT - still holds one Cornhole belt but the singles belt was stolen from him last year. He has focused most of his off-season on regaining the coveted singles title.
Randy - hasnt won any Calcutta money in nearly 2 years. Has spent most of his time analyzing spreadsheets and figuring a way to manipulate or weasel the auction in his favor.
Slick - Who???? Once a staple at G he created a spin off. But much like Joanie Loves ChaChi, it isnt Happy Days. Rumor has it, hes just coming back for ideas on how he can better his spin off. Meanwhile, the golf game has gone further south than the Longs themselves.
Coin flip. Your guess is as good as mine.
Killer: Sheiker paired two guys together that obsess about the sport of golf more than any other sport
if this was 2009. Its not, its 2021 and tennis and volleyball are respectably what these two care about. JT is now a traveling tennis player who jet sets around the country playing mixed doubles against some of the best 70 and 80 year olds the US has to offer. Randy, not to be outdone, does his traveling as well for his favorite sport, not as a participant, but as a spectator. This leaves very little time for golf for either of these two, once proud golfers that couldnt care less about the sport nowadays.
Walt must have been in heaven when he was informed of the colossal mistake made when this pair was put together and he had the perfect golfer to take down the two ex golfers, and that mans name is Slick. Slick does his share of traveling also, but his treks are about one thing and one thing only, golf, and maybe to spend time with his family, but mostly golf. He has played more courses than anyone at this event and has every shot possible in his arsenal and he isnt afraid to use them. This one's in the bag.
Geeks 4-0
Stay tuned for Part 2 - can't wait!
