August 11, 2002

CINCINNATI, OH — According to a press release issued from the Golfapalooza home office this morning, three-time attendee Stacy Bartlett will miss the opening round of GVI because of a work conflict. Bartlett's employer, Abbott Labs, has scheduled a national sales meeting in suburban Boston for September 23-26. After meeting with his boss, Bartlett determined it wouldn't be wise to skip the last day.

"This is nothing like leaving last year for my wife's birthday," Stacy said. "One day of joy at GV would not have been worth ten years of hearing about it from my wife. This has to do with the source of funds needed to bring the Knob and my annual gambling contribution. I fully intend to arrive on Thursday night with a bottle of Knob under each arm and begin cooking omelets on Friday morning. It doesn't matter that I'm missing Round 1 this year. What matters matters!"

Sheik, Bartlett's original sponsor to Golfapalooza, was obviously disheartened when he heard the news. "Stacy was excited when he heard the date change for GVI. He no longer would take heat from his wife for missing her birthday, and this year was especially important because he drew Federal Grand Jury duty for the months of October-December and isn't supposed to leave the state. Even the famous legal scholar Michael Carin would not have been able to have gotten him out of that situation. It was sad to hear the disappointment in Bartlett's voice when he said he would miss Round 1 this year. I really feel bad for the guy. He'll still be there Thursday night and through the rest of the weekend. The guy is a Golfapalooza institution; he'll make up for lost time."

Golfapalooza founder GStan nearly choked on his Marlboro when told of the news. "It's bad enough that Mills and his 3-wood are going to miss Round 1 this year. This is the second case of Shay Syndrome so far this year. At least Bartlett will be cured by Thursday night, unlike Mr. Jeremykowski." GStan had one last piece of advice for Bartlett during his travels in Beantown that week. "Watch out for Rich when you're up there. He's been trying to get back to Golfapalooza for years."