February 4, 2003

HERNDON, VA — The Spackler Business Office has been extremely busy the last few weeks, with many players sending their commitments just before the January 4, 2003 deadline.  Tour regular, but Carl Spackler Open Championship rookie, Brian M. Long, known by many as Ruthie, was no exception as he sent in the registration request form just in time.

?Yeah, I just made it,? says Long.  ?I was in another world, thinking about how Penn State just missed beating Michigan again for the sixth time in a row.  Now I guess I know how those OSU fans used to feel.  Anyway, I was also busy preparing to schedule Butch Harmon on an SNN teleconference, after I got permission from Crazy Tommy T, of course, and he?s going to be giving me some pointers.  Butch stumbled upon the CSOC website last week, and the picture of my swing caught his eye.?  (SNN Editor?s note: Crazy Tommy T is CSOC VP of Golf Instruction, Tom McCauley.  Below is a transcript of Ruthie?s short conversation with Harmon via teleconference, courtesy of SNN.)

Says Harmon, ?Ruthie?s ?tongue? picture on the CSOC website is so disturbing that I dare not say anything more about it, so I?ll just go directly to the picture of his front-view golf swing.  As one can see, he possesses a John Daly-like backswing; just look at how the club is far beyond parallel at the top.  Due to his severely bent left arm, and slight reverse pivot, however, Ruthie doesn?t get much power from his swing like Daly does.  Also, since the clubface is wide open at the top, I?d guess that he has a tendency to slice.  I?ll tell you what, this is the toughest project I?ve ever had, but we?ll fix it.  Now then ?uh-oh?that?s Tiger on my priority cell phone, gotta go.  Sorry, kid.  Tell you what, why don?t you try to hit left-handed instead?  ?Bye.?  Then, the teleconference was over.  Crazy just shook his head and said:  ?Make up your mind.  Are you a righty or a lefty??

?Gosh, I couldn?t get over just how much Butch sounded like J. Marti, only with a little higher voice and an oddly familiar northeastern accent.  Well, I?m off to buy a new set of clubs.  I?ve got a little less than six months to learn how to hit left-handed,? remarked Long.  When asked about this, J. Marti, a.k.a. Kyle, said ?What a dolt.  I can?t wait until we make our side bets, and I clean his freakin? clock.  That had to be the worst Harmon impression I?ve ever done.?  Escobar, commonly known as Don Creighton and VP of Player Discipline, added this upon hearing Ruthie?s new development:  ?If I find out that this is truly a setup, I?m kicking Ruthie?s ass for believing it, and I?ll make sure Pokey never gives him another Kitchen Pass.?  A spokesman for SNN could not confirm Harmon?s identity on the teleconference, since it was Ruthie who scheduled it.

This stuff just keeps getting better and better.  According to the CSOC website, the only player J. Marti listed for Partner Preference #1 and #2 is Brian Long, which would not be a good way to conceal one?s involvement in dubious side-betting activities.  Be sure to find out how Ruthie fares in his endeavor to switch hit again on SNN, with our extended coverage of the 2003 CSOC practice round on Wednesday, June 11.