February 8, 2003

BROOKLYN, NY — Latin Lover Escobar Banderas, commonly known to many as Don Creighton and CSOC VP of Player Discipline, has completed the rigorous qualification system required for golf?s biggest event, the annual Carl Spackler Open Championship, according to CFO Rick Dosky.  The CSOC Captain?s Club chose the intimidating Reserve at Thunder Hill Golf Course in Madison, OH, as the site for this year?s event.  Dosky made the announcement at a private bash celebrating the news.

The stars were certainly out and twinkling last night, as many celebrities attended the extravagant festivity held at an undisclosed Brooklyn location.  Among the A-list of invited guests was Carl Spackler, the CSOC Captain?s Club, Escobar?s brother Antonio, Melanie Griffith, Jack Nicholson, Jennifer Lopez, Ben Afleck, Fuzzy Zoeller, Jack Nicklaus, Gary Player, Tiger Woods, Rich Beem, and many other dignitaries.  According to anonymous sources, Arnold Palmer did not receive an invitation to attend.  Carl Spackler declined all requests to make a comment about this blatant snub.  Fuzzy Zoeller also declined all requests for interviews following his disqualification yesterday from the 2003 Royal Caribbean Classic.

Escobar, who was wearing luxurious pajamas designed by Hugh Hefner, puffing on a cigar, and reading from a prepared statement, said that he would be ??putting his social life on hold in an effort to focus on my preparation for this championship??.  During his statement, his large entourage of gorgeous women, all scantily clad in Victoria?s Secret lingerie, surrounded Creighton.  They appeared visibly shaken upon hearing the news and some broke down entirely.  (Carl Spackler later attempted to comfort the beauties by inviting them to his luxury suite following the party.)  At one point during his statement, smiling and winking at Spackler, Creighton said, ?You could say I?m making a ?date? with Carl on June 12?, which drew uproarious laughter from the crowd.

VP of Player Recruitment, Randy (Jason) Watson said, ?We?re very excited that Escobar took time out from his busy social life to compete this summer.  We think he?s come a long way since last year, when he was going to the shore instead of playing golf.?  Chairman Greg ?Slick? Long, who was conspicuously absent from the event, made a pre-recorded statement from SNN on the giant plasma screen, donated by Sony.  ?Although I didn?t get a Kitchen Pass to fly in on Carl?s Leer Jet from my honeymoon for this event, I still wanted to tell everyone, on behalf of the Captain?s Club, how excited we are about Don joining us in June.  We?re looking forward to adding him to this already talent-laden field.?  There was only one thing on Mike ?Nick? Watkeys? mind, however, as he was overheard to say, ?Hey Carl! Escobar! Where?d those babes go?  It?s been at least 10 minutes since I?ve had a good lap dance!?

SNN will be the only major network carrying the 2003 CSOC from Wednesday, June 11 through Saturday, June 14, including the post tournament awards ceremony.