February 11, 2003

LEWIS CENTER, OH — Scott "Miller Time" Miller has announced today, from the Miller Brewing Company Boardroom, that he will be the 12th rookie to commit to the 2003 Carl Spackler Open Championship, slated for June 12 in Madison, OH.  Naturally, Captains Club members Matt "Moose" Davis and Jeremy "Frog Legs" Myers accompanied Miller to the press conference, since Miller Brewing was providing 50 free kegs of beer for the occasion.  SNN later learned that the brewing company prohibited Myers from lifting any beer kegs, full or empty, at any time while on the company grounds due to his tendency to drop them on innocent bystander's heads.

Miller Time\'s announcement preceded a promotional stunt staged by the Miller Brewing Company, where he had to fight the Miller Catfight girls in a mud pit. Miller didn't put up much of a fight, as he simply allowed the girls to kick his ass for thirty minutes. "It really wasn't that much different than the kind of treatment I receive from women in real life, so the acting really wasn't a stretch for me," said Miller. "Hell, what guy wouldn't want killer racks like theirs driving the back of his head into the mud?"  This is an excellent point, and takes the phrase "tastes great, less filling" to an entirely new level.

Miller has a sketchy past with the CSOC championship, as he had to drop out of last year's tournament due to an eleventh-hour Kitchen Pass emergency. Rumor has it that a female had the audacity to trump the championship for, of all things, a wedding, even though Miller had already paid the CSOC entry fee. Miller had to accept a partial refund for his trouble, and there is no indication that he was able to "get lucky" for his enormous sacrifice. Adding to his woes, this incident preceded a disappointing 16th place finish in the On Tour Championship last year, despite being the on top of the leader board on May 16, 2002.

On a positive note, Miller has shown steady improvement over the last 72 holes of the On Tour Championship, with his only 100+ stroke score coming at the brutally demanding Links at Firestone Farms golf course. This course has a slope of 131, which allowed Miller to improve his actual NOOG score to an impressive tally of 52, his best effort yet. Miller Time?s NOOG totals averaged 44.25 over the last four rounds, a vast improvement over his prior twelve rounds, when he averaged 30.25 points during that stretch.  The good doctor, Greg Garret, agreed with this assessment. "You know, Miller Time doesn't have a lot of natural talent, but he's gutsy. He's just a fiery, gritty, grinding-type of golfer, who you really don't like to see near the top of the leader board. Bulldogs like Scott always win when they have the lead."

Patrick McElroy, known to friends as Mac Daddy, agreed. "Mentally, he's the toughest golfer I've ever seen. Just look at his picture on the website. His smile says, "If you suck at golf as badly as I do, I'm gonna kick your ass from here to next week." Believe me, I know. He's done it to me. "Hey, at least we don?t stink as bad as OlaFowble. I heard he shot a 138 with one ball," laughed Miller, and McElroy added, laughing, "I can't wait to see Fowble bring everybody else's score down 10 or 15 strokes just by showing up!"

Interestingly, you won't get to see how Miller Time and Mac Daddy will form a strategy to attack the course, as they're not allowed to play in the practice round. OlaFowble and some of the bigger stars will play, however, and will appear at the press conference following the round. It all happens Wednesday, June 11, 2003 on SNN.