July 12, 2003

TERRA ALTA, WV — Officials at Alpine Lake are buzzing with excitement as the countdown to Golfapalooza 2003 (GVII) continues, now under 75 days.  "We can't wait until the Loozers get here in a couple of months to kick off our fall golf season."  This from Dr. Kutchercockov, former Russian family planning physician, and now President of Alpine Lake Resort.  "We are out here in the middle of nowhere, we conduct virtually zero advertising, our course is marginal at best, and empty for most of the year; so when Mike Long called me last spring to let me know that the Golfapalooza MELC Championship would once again be decided at Alpine Lake, I nearly soiled myself with joy."

More than 30 of the nation's top amateurs are expected to begin play on September 25th, 2003.  "We have some major changes planned for this year's event," added Dr. Kutchercockov. "First, we are actually going to spell Golfapalooza correctly on all of our signs and displays.  Second, the sand traps scattered about the course will have something in them at least resembling sand this year; I'm not promising that it will actually be sand, but it will not be like the concrete we've had these guys hitting out of in the past.  And finally, we put a leaf blower on layaway at the local hardware store, I hope we can pay it off by mid-September; afterall, if you hit a drive down the center of the fairway, you deserve a better than 50/50 shot at finding it."

When asked why Golfapalooza was so important to Alpine Lake and the surrounding community, Dr. Kutchercockov did not beat around the bush.  "Take a look around at this town, there ain't much happening here; Golfapalooza spending represents 28% of our town's annual revenue.  And Founding Father Gus Sokos has informed me that local Golfapalooza related revenues could double or possibly even triple if viable local entertainment could be found."  Sources close Alpine Lake have hinted that no local entertainment has been identified yet, however officials remain optimistic that candidates will be found when the high school resumes classes in late August.