July 31, 2003

WHEELING, WV — With a mere 55 days left until GVII begins play, many high profile Loozers are still without a contract to compete.  Founding Father Mike "Sheiker" Long held a nervous and emotional press conference on Wednesday regarding the unexpectedly low number of commitments to GVII.  "To date we have signed 15 players to the field, and if you look down that roster, its a hell of a list, even if we are unable to sign anyone else."

Notable absences from the field currently include veterans Kid Rock Flanagan, Spanky McFarland, Greg Garrett, Guido Adamski, Stacey Bartlett, FF Grundo Magrinder, Several Kaniecki's, and Webby Hensley.  "We are also missing defending MELC Champion Randy Watson and GVI Rookie of the Year Pat "The Low-Grade Tropical Storm" Boland."  When asked how such key participants could still be in question, Sheiker was unable to mask his emotional involvment in the situation; "These guys win one goddamn award and all of a sudden they think they are Jon Daly or something, demanding appearance fees and courtesy cars.  Well I've got news for you Randy Watson, we don't need you!  We can always go out and find another Loozer with the last name Watson and decide to call him Randy and still 'give it up for Mr. RRRRRRRandy WWWWWWWatson' all weekend long!"

When we contacted Watson for comment, he had a different story.  "I don't want any appearance fees or cars, I just want the $250 I was supposed to win for the GVI MELC Championship, I never got it."  While Watson has always contended he never got his prize money, several unnamed Loozers are on the record stating that he did receive the full amount, but right after he got it, he passed it away, bill by bill, to the entertainment, in a record 2 minutes and 38 seconds.

There was one moment of levity to Sheiker's press conference, when a rookie reporter asked Sheiker why the list of important unsigned Loozers did not include Mike Carin.  Sheiker had no official comment but did roll around on the floor for several minutes, laughing hysterically.