August 10, 2004

TERRA ALTA, WV — Golfapalooza is six weeks away from the GVIII Practice Round and only 12 Loozers are officially registered.  Headlining the list of confirmed Loozers is JT Thomas, prepared to make his triumphant return to glory.  Also catching some attention is the His and His Rookie Duo of Bill Bateson and Eric Melick.  We tried to tell them this wasn't a couples event, but they insisted on entering this year's field, which promises to be as competitive as ever.  They have been unavailable for comment for over 3 weeks in Washington protesting the Constitutional ban on same sex marriages.  

Only two Founding Fathers have officially signed - Patch and Sheiker.  Mehul Patel is registered to defend his Green Jacket and Spraguer has committed to defending his title. Jackson Heights' Randy Watson will make the second defense of his long Johnson and Greg Long will be present to collect most of the other honors.

GVII Rookie of the Year Bret Lyme has committed and the Hambugler, Rick Dosky, is expected with his usual car load of videos.  Professional gambler Hurricane Boland has also punched his ticket, following his workman-like performance at the Spackler.  

Apparently, GStan has registered and paid, but the official web-site has yet to be updated.  Here's the list of the unconfirmed Loozers, please reply if you have any knowledge of their whereabouts: Brian Flanagan - Expected to attend if he can fit through the door. Todd Flanagan - Unknown.  On tour with Kid Rock. Stan Kaniecki III - Expected to attend.  Says he's in if Mama Kaniecki can watch his kid for 4 days. Mark Kaniecki - Unknown.  Only guarantee is if it was at Oglebay. Jack Kaniecki - Unknown.  Friday and Saturday attendance is possible.  Something about a job and stuff, blah, blah, blah. George Sokos - Unknown.  But rumored to still be fat and smelly. Grundo - Unknown and doubtful.  He used to enjoy smacking the bare ass of a hot little dancer and scream "Who's your Daddy".  Now he smacks his own girl's asses and laughs "Who's Your Daddy".  I don't believe they were said in the same context. Sizetenshoeski - Unknown.  I heard he got some type of executive job on Wall Street. Don McFarland - Unknown.  But doubtful.  I saw someone posted a scorecard for him about 2 weeks ago.  That's priceless. Elvis - Unknown.  Hopefully will attend though, as we all need to eat and Patch needs someone stupid enough as McCormick to bet with. Squib - Unknown.  Last seen streaking down National Road wearing nothing but Black and Gold body paint and muttering something about "life without Kordell". Darin Cross - Unknown and who cares. Al Marshall - Says he's in.  Just has a difficult time remembering what day or month it is. Uncle Mark - Currently riding a 2 year sobriety wave.  Unsure if he will make it.   Greg Garrett - Unknown.  Tied with Watson for "worst golfer" who can hit the ball 300 yards. James Barker - OUT Dieterle and Blackbush - I put these two together because they just seem to have this "thing" with each other.  Does anybody else ever wonder about these two?  They always sleep in the same room together and are often found in the bathroom together.  If they do cum, please don't bring that Honda/Hyundia Element thing again - ugliest car ever made. Bartlett - Unknown, but his attendance MATTERS.