January 6, 2005

HERNDON, VA — For the second consecutive year, Andrew Cohen will contend in the Carl Spackler Open in search of the elusive Golden Jacket. To reinforce his commitment to the event, he submitted his deposit in cash. "Checks are for wimps like Myers, " said Cohen, a top-10 finisher in last year's major at Tanglewood Park. "Hell, I'll bet my PSU football tickets his wife even wrote the check for him!"

Cohen's last-minute signing caused some concern among members of the Captains Club, thinking he might not make the field this year. "When I heard the news of Fustich's Red Zone violation, I was really stunned and needed to take a step back and rethink my priorities," said Cohen, explaining his late entry. "But after some serious soul-searching, I determined it would be in the best interest of domestic harmony if I took the few days off and made the short drive to Pottsville for this prestigious event. Plus I want to see if Dosky has expanded his already biblical porn collection."

Cohen will look to improve on his 36 handicap this spring and make a serious run at the title. "I'm considering switching clubs from the 60-year old bladed set my grandfather gave me 15 years ago to something a little more modern. But after watching how Lefty performed at this year's Ryder Cup after switching clubs, I might rethink the timing. He gagged like a dog out there!"

The 2005 Carl Spackler Open begins in 5 months.