July 12, 2002

PITTSBURGH, PA — An email sent to the Golfapalooza finance office today disclosed that Rookie Ron "Jeremy"Jankowski has withdrawn from GVI. Sources indicate that Jeremykowski is suffering from Shay syndrome, the inability to take off work to attend Golfapalooza.

"I am very disappointed that I will not be able to attend GVI," Jeremykowski was quoted as saying today. "I was feeling pretty awful and couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I consulted with Gus and that's when he diagnosed me with Shay syndrome. I'm just relieved to know it's not fatal. In fact, Gus told me I could be cured as early as next year."

Golfapalooza founder GStan was obviously disappointed when he heard the news. "I was really looking forward to having another Polish guy at GVI. Hopefully Ron will be able to win his battle with Shay syndrome by next year."

Gus, Ron's sponsor to GVI, was unavailable for comment as he was giving gynecological exams in the hospital free clinic as this article went to press.