June 6, 2005

COLUMBUS, OH — With 3 days left before Round 1, the NOOG points have been set for the 5th annual Carl Spackler Open Championship.  Final points were set on Sunday after all rookie requirements were finally met.  A press conference was called immediately afterwards to answer plenty of questions regarding the overall tournament and provide some answers to what turned into ridiculous NOOG point inquiries.

The owner of the point system, Chairman Greg Long, led the press conference inside the brand new Spackler News Network media center.

The first question was directed at the overall tournament and whether the Captains Club, golf course, and player services are ready for this week.  "This stands to be the greatest golf event ever held in the state of Pennsylvania," says Greg Long.  "I can say that knowing Arnie Palmer and Steve Mascaro both are from the state of Pennsylvania."

Long took a drink of his Budweiser and dove into the meat of the question.  "Lets start with the course.  Mountain Valley demonstrates enough unique character to put it in my Top 5.  My worry is not whether the course will be loved, but the dense forest that stalks both sides of the fairways.  My main concern is only about whether the course is fan friendly enough and whether that will be become a distraction."

Long was mostly like referring to fan favorites Jon Munksgard of Warren, PA and Chris Lashley of Southern Shores, NC.  Thousands are expected to flock through the extremely tight holes in hopes of getting a glimpse of a Munksgard divot or Lashley autograph.

"I have personally been in touch with the grounds crew at Mountain Valley to ensure the best possible conditions," Long says.  "I have been assured carts have been prohibited in the rough to ensure a thick 3 inch cut for the Open Championship.  We have Championship standards and Mountain Valley is doing a great job."

Rookie Surinder Punia was nearly thrown off the golf course back in mid-May after being caught driving in the rough with a golf cart.

"The clubhouse is quite unbelievable," says Long.  "The outside deck is 5,000 square feet and hosted 980 social butterflies last Friday with cloudy 55 degree temperatures.  They are stocked with Yuengling and ready to go."

Long switched gears.  "Before I forget, on behalf of the Captains Club, I want to also express our deepest field to date includes a Tournament Honoree for the ages.  Mike Trojanowski is a great competitor and we are excited to honor his contributions to the tournament this year.  His resume includes a +26 handicap, Golden Jacket, Carl Spackler Outfit, winner of the 2002 Closest to the Pin, and now Tournament Honoree.  He is one decorated son of a bitch."

The Captains Club finalized most of the plans last month and we are ready to execute.  Long then verified those plans, "The Captains Club started early and is extremely prepared including backup plans for rain.  We all did a wonderful job this year and people will see everything either through TV coverage, attendance, or word of mouth."

"Lastly, the services for 2005 have been increased tenfold," says Long.  "It has been fun inventing and providing the best opportunities for a fast growing golf tournament.  The large budget helped us get everything we needed and wanted for this year's tournament including player transportation, our new media center, new logo, and new apparel line."  

The tournament budget reportedly exceeded $26,000 in 2005 and is on pace to hit a record $38,000 next year.

Long then pointed to a reporter from Cleveland for the next question.  He was asked to elaborate on Mike Certo's public mocking of the NOOG point system in the local intercity newspaper last week.  Specifically whether his points accurately matched his +24 handicap.

A frustrated Long paused and stuck his index finger up to ask for a personal second.  He chugged the rest of his beer and continued with raised voice.  "Why do I continue to show up to these conferences to answer ridiculous questions about NOOG points?  The system was named after Thomas Carroll because of his integrity.  For the last time, the modified stableford system is entirely different than USGA handicapping.  There is a huge difference between them.  They are not the same.  They contrast or dislike each other.  Please do not compare them.  Next question."

The modified stableford is a system designed to reward aggressive play and not penalize a player for shooting 10-15 strokes on a given hole.  Some players in the field are rewarded the same for bogey as 15-over par.  The reporter asked Long to explain why he believes the system is accurate and why not USGA handicapping instead.

"Handicapping works only as well as the scorecards entered by the players regardless of system," says Long. "The player determines whether their handicap is 100% accurate or 75% accurate depending on foot wedges, gimmies, mulligans, fluffing, and forgetting penalty strokes.  For most players, the computer has 180 personal scores against par.  Anyone that questions NOOG point distribution really does not know their own personal golf game very well.  I can assure you that these handicap numbers do not fall from the sky."

"As for the handicapping system used at our tournament.  We want a hole-by-hole feel at our tournament.  Something our players and fans can track hole by hole.  USGA handicapping might be great for some organizations, but not here.  We are currently not interested in a system that requires a full round of golf first, then cross multiplication and division against the slope rating.  Does anyone really think these ridiculous questions will cease if we move to USGA handicapping.  Probably not.  Next question please."

Long immediately picked out someone from the back of the room.  "Sir, do you have a question?"  The reporter asked about favorites and chances of Steve Hoden winning again.  Long replied, "My job is to simply level the field of players using the computer.  In fact, I just let the computer do it."

A waitress interrupted Long for a moment as she delivered his next beer.  Long formally placed a few bills between her breasts for a tip, open his beer, and got back to business repeating part of the question to himself.  "chances of Steve Hoden repeating...  Well, Steve has been playing really well this year and nearly leads the On Tour Championship.  After Steve's wonderful performance last year, I asked myself if Tiger Woods could have shot 3 birdies in the final nine holes at Tanglewood Park.  I figured that he probably could, but wondered how anyone carrying an average above 75 strokes could do that without some help from Jesus.  So is it possible?  I would say yes.  Anyone that scores like that down the stretch must be considered a favorite regardless of NOOG point distribution."

Long asked if he could finish the conference with a quick reminder.  "Assuming forgetful Chad remembers the Horses Ass Trophy this year, we are planning for another incredible week of stupidity among the field of players.  My guess is that someone will have a nomination by 8:30AM on Thursday.  I'll bet 10 beers at Maroon's that someone shows up to the Yuengling Brewery with open toe shoes."

"Thanks everyone for dropping by.  I have to run.  I have a practice round near Pittsburgh around noon on Monday.  Then over to Hershey, PA for another practice round at the extreme and incredibly tough Iron Valley on Tuesday afternoon with our Tournament Honoree Mike Trojanowski.  Hopefully, the penalizing Iron Valley will give us some ease at Mountain Valley."

The 2005 Carl Spackler Open Championship will tee up at 12:15PM EST on Thursday.  Mike Trojanowski is the tournament honoree and has the box for the ceremonial first shot.