June 28, 2005

WATERLOO, IL — Al Marshall has signed to play in September's Golfapalooza VIIII.  This will mark Al's second appearance at a major (last was GVII) in the last three years.  Reached via cell phone at his one bedroom trailer just outside Dupo, Illinois, Al was beaming with anticipation.  "Missing GVIII was tragic.  I am 65 years old and my wife wouldn't let me go.  At GVII, I had my first erection in over 20 years and I am hoping for a repeat performance."  Coincidently, Al recently attracted his 1st sponsor(s) on tour, signing with LEVITRA and DEPENDS just last month.

Al is poised for national recognition, headlining this year's list for Most Improved (currently atop the On Tour Leaderboard).  "I expect to score much better than the 120 and 116 I posted two years ago.  I am usually a much better golfer.  Did you know I once shot a 79 back in the Nixon Presidency?  Even if I continue poop my pants on the course, I look forward to spending an additional 4 days with my wonderful son-in-law.  You know I live vicariously through him the other 360 days of the year."  There is nothing Al enjoys more than beating his son-in-law on the golf course, or at anything for that matter.  According to Spackler.com, Big Al has a record of 3-13-1 in the last 17 matchplay events vs. Brent.  And has lost 10 straight.  Needless to say, it has been a frustrating few years for Grandpa Al.

Reached for comment, Founding Father Brent added, "He's not even fun to play with anymore.  How fun is it to beat someone who consistently shoots like a 110?  It would be different if he was paying for the greens fees or willing to wager a little on the course.  But the man is just so damn cheap."