September 7, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — With the omission of Gordo in this year's field, the unofficial, undesired, title of "Douche of the Year" is anyone's to win.

While some have a better chance than others, here are my odds of each loozer bringing home this year's title.

Sheiker: (50 to 1) - Seriously, who has this guy ever pissed off other than Guido and Sprauger after he nicely questioned their decisions to vandalize the entire course in the name of Golfapalooza.

GStan: (45 to 1) - Best scramble partner ever, period.

Whitey: (45 to 1) - First of all, he bleeds Scarlet and Gray. Second of all he never says anything other than "Hey Guys" and "Have you guys received your college football pool yet?"

JT: (40 to 1) - This guy just oozes "Cool".

Butter: (40 to 1) - This guy just oozes butter.

Watson: (35 to 1) - His actions ensure that the week goes off without a hitch, he has a Golfapalooza tattoo and he almost punched KGB 7 years ago.

Hurricane: (35 to 1) - Boland's willingness to gamble on anything adds extra excitement to the week. I also like playing cornhole against him so I can sit me beer on his head when I'm not standing next to one of the drink holders.

Spanky: (35 to 1) - All he did when he was in prison was lift weights. Feel free to move him down your list. I spent all of last year just trying to avoid eye contact.

Dosky: (30 to 1) – Porn

GG: (30 to 1) - Still the hardest swing I’ve ever seen at the Johnson competition.

Quackenbush: (30 to1) - Introduced 3-5-7

Kid Rock: (25 to 1) - If he draws out on me more than 10 times this year in Kings & Little Ones, his odds are dropping down to 2 to 1.

Chef: (25 to 1) - He’d be a lot higher if bacon was actually good for you.

Sleepy: (25 to 1) - Unless you’re in his foursome, or lose to him 21-0 in cornhole there’s really not that much chance to talk to him.

Monte: (20 to 1) - Seriously, how can you not like a guy who golfs with a huge fake rubber ass, puts marshmallows on the 16th green, tells stories about Jaeger and yells “Hey Butter” every fifteen minutes.

Winthorp: (20 to 1) - He has an iPhone.

KGB: (20 to 1) - I’m sensing that the combination of actually pulling off KGB over the last couple of years and the fact that his father in law is not attending this year really opens up the potential for anyone in the group to ask “Did he just piss on me?”.

Real Stan: (15 to 1) - Great doubles cornhole partner, and one funny, funny guy.

Slick: (10 to 1) – Kind of a split here; 50 to 1 for placing a plaque for GStan and I on #7 to memorialize our scramble score. 1 to 1 for almost killing Butter and I on the same hole a year later because he felt like hitting one more fairway wood to the green while we were driving the cart 75 yards in front of him.

Guy: (10 to 1) – Funny to hear a guy order 20 cases of cumquats on the teebox.

Size Ten: (10 to 1) – Gay

Pagett: (10 to 1) - No special favors just because we’re neighbors.

Digger & Munk: (10 to 1) - I’ve heard some good things about these guys. Not only are they Carl Spackler guys, they supposedly bring drinking on the course to a new level. I’m totally down with that. As long as I don’t have to babysit, here’s to Weekend at Bernies II x 2.

Pannullo: (10 to 1) - I’m still not sure if this guy even exists. Even if he does he doesn’t need me to make fun of him, KGB 2010 will take care of that.

Killer & Walt: (7.5 to 1) – Just don’t have enough body of work to assign a higher number.

Hibner & Dages: (2 to 1): Tell us earlier in the week if you can’t make the awards ceremony. I could have spread the kindness I allocated to you around to other loozers.