September 16, 2007

CINCINNATI, OH — There are several possible causes of poor shots, such as poor alignment of the club, wrong direction of swing, and off-center hits where the clubhead rotates around the ball at impact. Many of these troubles are aggravated with the "longer" clubs and higher speed of swing.

For loozer Jack Kaniecki, the number and variety of poor shots is larger than he would like to experience. Consequently, many, many words have been found to describe the shots--some of them are quite colorful. Kaniecki was asked to describe some of the more common terms for the poor shots he makes during his rare rounds.

"My game is terrible," Kaniecki says. "I am here to describe the poorest shots a man deserves."

Jack Kaniecki, a.k.a. The Hammer, is a buff 5-foot 11-inches tall weighing in at a very muscular 185 pounds. His poor shots generally duff, but as you will see, he has his problems. He swings right-handed, but probably should try left.

Jack took a humble drink of his beer and began. "My first bad shot is most common. It is a 'slice', which is when my ball curves sharply to the right. For hackers, this is the typical outcome of most shots. A severe slice is commonly referred to as a Banana-Slice, Banana-Ball, or Todd Flanagan-power-fade.

The 'hook' is the opposite, which is when my ball flight curves sharply to the left. A severe hook is commonly called a duck-hook or a snap-hook. Hurricane Boland has a monsterous hook that can make him very unhappy. I would even characterize it as a power hook because it breaks windows. After he does it about 3 or 4 times, his face turns red." 'The Hammer' laughs uncontrollably for a minute as tears stream down his face. Kaniecki adds, "I am sorry Pat, but I always think of you after I snap hook a ball." The Hammer stops and wipes away the tears. He lowers a frown and assumes a humble demeanor.

"My 'pull' is when the arms pull across my body and the ball flies straight left of the intended target without curvature. A 'pull-hook' indicates that the ball started out left of target and curved even further to the left, but that happens probably only once per year.

A Kaniecki 'pull-slice' means the ball started out left then curves back to the right. This one is very common with my brother Brent over there in St. Louis. He has mastered that move, but I do also experience it quite a bit.

A 'push' shot is the opposite of a pull, where the ball is 'pushed' away from the body. The ball flies to the right of the intended target. I have not hit one of these in recent memory, but my other brother Eric and Butter practically patiented this move on the downswing.

A 'push-slice' indicates that the ball started out well right of target and curved even further to the right. This happens to me all the time when playing easy municipal style courses. Greg Garrett and Slick have really mean push-slices. Although rare, Garrett's push-slice can punish the ball several fairways to the right.

My 'shank' is the ball striking the hosel or the outer edge of the club rather than the clubface. The ball shoots sharply to the right. This happens often and quite embarrassing. These type of shots can destroy a round of golf."

As expected, Brent shouted from the back, "Hey Jack. You forgot the push-hook." The Hammer replied, "I am not that talented. That is one of those shots that I do not have in my bag. [A push-hook means the ball starts out right then curves back to the left.] I am told that Rick Dosky has mastered this shot." Brent replied, "Sorry and Yes. Dosky does have a repeatable push-hook. It has resulted with inconsisent scores. Jack replied, "I have even heard rumors that it also results in 'back-twisting-whiffs' once or twice a year. Brent chucked and replied, "Yes. That would be true."

"Speaking of whiffs, that is another disasterous result, but thank goodness has not occured in many years. This is when the club misses the ball completely after swinging always resulting in ultimate embarrassment. Most guys jokingly refer to a whiff as a practice swing."

Jack continued describing his poor shots. My 'thin' or 'bladed' shot is sometimes called 'skulled' by playing partners. I am not sure why hackers call it 'skulled' and good golfers call it 'thin', but whatever. The ball is struck with the bottom edge of the club and not its face. This often damages the surface of a golf ball and stings like a son-of-a-bitch. I have been hitting it 'fat' lately," as The Hammer drops his frown to depression. "Chunking and fat shots occurs when the club strikes the ground before the ball. A large divot is usually produced along with a clubface covered in the divot. This is huge mess on the tee box and incredibly embarrassing. Grundo is the king of duffing the ball because he swings so hard. His divots are generally huge.

My personal favorite to watch is also common for me. It is the 'top', 'duff', or 'grounder', which is when I over compensate for hitting the previous shot fat. The topside of the ball is struck with the blade of the club. The result usually consists of the ball rolling forward on the ground with much top-spin. I have seen power hitters like Slick 'ground' a ball 200 yards straight up the fairway.

A 'sky ball' or 'pop-up' is another one of my favorites. You always hear, 'Where did it go? Did anyone see where that one went?' It is generally really really high. This occurs frequently when teeing the ball up too high, though sometimes a 'sky ball' will occur when the ball is sitting on top of long blades of grass in the rough."

Jack stopped and chugged the rest of his beer. He asked the stripper to grab two more.

"A lot of you guys probably hit a high ball, but a true 'sky ball' occurs when the ball travels farther vertically than it does horizontally. Randy Watson does this one all the time.

My 'wormburner' is hit extremely low to the ground, or bounces rapidly across the tee box, essentially 'burning up worms'. This is not a common shot for me, but it does happen 20 or 30 times per year. Jason Watson almost posted an eagle with a 'grounder' approach shot. It was about 120 yards."

The stripper arrived with two draft beers. Jack chugged one as foam started coming out of his nose and beer dripped from his chin. He looked like he was going to puke, but he did regain control.

There is one more poor shot in my golf bag. It is by far the most common screw up made out there during my rounds. I probably 'chili dip' my ball 7 or 8 times per round. This is where the extra strokes are accelerated. This is a common miscue when chipping. The ball is flubbed only a few feet forward. Some of my partners call it 'chunking', but I really love chili with crackers so prefer 'chili dip'.

That is about every poor shot in my golf bag."

Brother Mark questioned, "How about the double hit?" Jack replied, "That is another shot which is not in my bag. It is hitting the ball twice in one swing. This occurs most often in chipping or pitching. Brent does this all the time when chipping around the greens. He always gives that eye and body language that ensures you that he realizes he double-hit the ball, but he never takes the penalty.

There are a couple other shots that I do not have in my bag. "The 'foot wedge' is an illegal act of literally kicking one's ball to a better location. Judge Smails used this technique in the movie Caddyshack to better his lie." Kaniecki was asked if he had ever seen such a shot. He replied, "Of course. Brent used to do it all the time.

The 'flyer' has never occured. It is a shot usually from deep rough. Grass blades come between the club face and the ball, preventing the club face from imparting maximum backspin on the ball. This loss of lift from backspin will typically cause a lower, longer shot than a cleanly contacted shot. The resulting flight of the ball airmails the green by 10 or more yards."

Jack started chugging another beer. He stopped after a few seconds and said, "The 'hood' shot is somewhere during the swing the clubface becomes more perpendicular to the ground," [Jack began to wobble back in forth. He reached for his beer and fell out of his chair onto the floor.]

Bret Lyme came to his aid immediately. He realized Jack would be sleeping away his depression and said, "We are done for now. When he wakes up tommorrow, we will send out an email regarding the poor 'iron hooker' and 'gunnell' shots.