August 20, 2021
Spyderrrrrrrrrrr: I Can’t Afford This Much Patron
TERRA ALTA, WV — Anyone who has been to Golfapalooza over the past 11 years has more than likely at some point felt the sting of a Spyderrrrrrrrrrr bite when rolling out of bed. JT “Jambone” Thomas once quipped the most famous ‘note to self’ in Golfapalooza history – no more patroney – following a long night of cornhole with Golfapalooza’s deadliest eight-legged veteran.
You will rarely find Ken “Spyderrrrrrrrrrr” Pagett anywhere at G without a tiny bottle of Patron in his hand. “Its really remarkable” says Jambone. “The guy is like Jesus with the loaves and fishes – no offense, Padre – but he carries this like 10 ounce bottle of Patron around all week, and it’s never empty, yet he’s pouring non-stop shot after shot for Loozers, many of whom just stupidly have no idea what’s about to hit them. You’ll never catch him refilling that bottle, and you probably won’t see him coming to offer you a shot until it’s too late – because he’s like a ninja too!”
“A Patron-wielding ninja Jesus? Hmmmm – that might finally be a deity I can believe in” offered GStan. “No offense, Padre! Anyway, I’ve been bitten more than my fair share – all my KGB Cup Captains seem to think it is a good idea to put me in the same group with Spyderrrrrrrrrrr, and to boot, Spyderrrrrrrrrrr knows I just can’t say no to him, like yer mom. I don’t know who can really.”
GStan continued on. “One of two things is gonna happen to you – either, one, he walks up to you slowly, already holding out the bottle and a shot glass, or two, you turn around to see he’s just been standing behind you holding the bottle out, patiently waiting for you to see him. And he’s always got that dumb, innocent, gleeful grin on his face. He looks like your 4-year-old about to show you the worst looking piece of artwork you’ve ever seen, and are you gonna tell him ‘no, that sux, we’re not hanging that sh*t on the fridge’? Nope, you’re not gonna steal his innocent joy – you’re gonna go ahead and throw back a shot of that horrendous crayon drawing and tell him how much you love him. That’s how you get Spyderrrrrrrrrrr bitten in a nutshell. Anyway, I think I’ve been bitten so many times that I’ve built up a natural immunity – it takes a lot of venom to affect me these days.”
But enough about the victims – this reporter actually talked to the perpetrator. (And of course as I sat down with him for a brief interview at the Ill Mannered Brewing Company, he offered me a shot of Patron. Yes I drank it.) “Well first” Spyderrrrrrrrrrr began, “I will never reveal my secrets on how a 10 oz bottle of Patron remains bottomless and keeps the multitudes drunk and bitten – I can tell you though that I’m not Jesus, although sometimes yer mom calls me that in the heat of passion – no offense, Padre. I do actually have to buy all the Patron that keeps that 10 oz bottle bottomless and that stuff is not cheap. We’ve got 44 Loozers coming this year and I want to bite all of them – that’s a serious financial planning decision in my life, especially since my first born is just starting college this year. What I think I’m gonna do is turn that negative into a positive – we weren’t going to take out any student loans, but my daughter has agreed that we’ll take out the maximum amount for freshman year, spend all of it on Patron, and I’ll take half of it to G and bite Loozers; she can take the other half to her dorm and bite freshman. And the best part is, we don’t have to worry about paying any of it back until nine months after graduation. It’s win-win.”
Spyderrrrrrrrrrr continued on after our third shot of Patron in 12 minutes. “If I may, I wanna use this interview partly as a public service announcement: I would like to correct the record on some misinformation that’s out on the internet – Patron does NOT kill Covid – being Spyderrrrrrrrrrr-bitten does often make one wish they just had Covid instead. But if you want to prevent Covid, you should get vaccinated. And if you want to prevent Spyderrrrrrrrrrr-bites? Well, good luck with that. 26 days until you are ALL caught in my web. Can’t wait!”