July 9, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — With the World Cup championship match approaching this weekend, the biggest discussion around the world continues to focus on the “Bee Hive” sound that constantly accompanies the play on the TV screen.

USA Today reporter Peter Gazinia was sent on assignment to Johannesburg to investigate the fascination with these horns. The following is his report:

Most of the people I encountered that were blowing these horns really had no idea of their ancestry. I spend a few minutes with one of the local merchants who was selling the horns. He told me that he had a cousin who brought it to him earlier in the year and told him how fun it was to blow the horn and watch the agitated and confused looks on people that were within range of the annoying noise. The next day I set off to visit the merchant’s cousin.

After a day of traveling through South Africa, I met up with the merchant’s cousin, Abu Baboo. When asked about his role in introducing the horn to his cousin, He told me that he had been a foreign exchange student hosted by a family in Terra Alta, West Virginia. Before he was to depart back to South Africa he went out for a few drinks with his friends at the local bar located at the Alpine Lake Resort. He said that he stopped by the golf clubhouse to check the lost and found. When I asked why he would do such a thing he told me that he came from a very poor family and would routinely check all lost and founds and ask if he could have a few of the items that had gone unclaimed to take home to his family.

He said he talked to the clubhouse manager, he thought he remembered her name as Ann. She said the only thing she had was this plastic horn. She said she didn’t know who owned it specifically, but she did know that she started hearing this annoying noise in the distance the week that some guys from this golf trip called Golfapalooza were in town. She said she had overheard some of the guys talking about birdie horns, but just assumed it was more of the nonsense that normally gets spewed around that week. She eventually put it together that the guys were talking about the horn that one of them had left on the golf course. She said she’d be happy to get rid of it because of all the complaints she had received from the locals.

Abu decided to take it because if it could annoy the easy going people he had learned to love of Terra Alta, was especially exited about how funny it would be to annoy his enemies back in South Aftrica. Abu said that once he got home it didn’t take long to realize that he had something in his hands that other people who like to have fun annoying other people would want. He took the horn to his cousin to tell him about all the fun he had been having with it and to convince him to make more horns and sell them leading up to the World Cup.

Fast forward to today and you’ll find that World Cup broadcast ratings are their lowest of all time, even in soccer-loving countries. You’ll also find people leaving matches early and 3 times the amount of fights in the stands. There are even unsubstantiated reports of fans being shot for blowing their horns too much. There is no doubt in this reporter’s eyes that you can blame all this entirely on the morons from Golfapalooza and their stupid idea to introduce noise-making devices to the golf course. What’s next, boom boxes?