August 23, 2010

WEIRTON, WV — Rookie Jimmy Pannullo is the latest person who has signed up for Golfapalooza XIV. If Mike Lewis and Stacey Bartlett are hackers, Jimmy is not a golfer at all. The rookie firefighter and grandfather from New York will arrive to Terra Alta as the favorite to win.

"This guy has to win this golf tournament," says Jeff Blankenbush upon hearing of his registration. "This potential loozer is set to receive four points for a triple-bogey. How does someone exceed seven strokes at the 1st hole? I am pretty sure anyone can shoot a triple with just a putter."

Pannullo is presently receiving 14 points for par. The point distribution would be a record-high with Barlett receiving 3 points for triple-bogey and 13 points for par. Pannullo has posted a single round with three double-bogeys, zero bogeys and zero pars.

Golfapalooza held its second of a few one-day rookie symposiums last week at Shooterz in Wierton, WV. The new draftee along with Ken Pagett received a crash course on all of the dos and don'ts in their transition into Golfapalooza. The symposium focused on helping rookies adjust to life in Terra Alta by bringing in guest speakers like Sokos, Sheiker, Dosky, and Mark Kaniecki plus experts in a number of different areas to discuss various issues such as alcohol poisoning and gambling addiction.

The meeting helps set the tone for what the rookies can expect in their first year, using a blend of motivational seminar, boot camp, and 'Scared Straight,' cautionary tales.

The second segment of the symposium focuses on interviewing the rookies and learning a little about their character. Jimmy Pannullo was asked to explain his awful golf game.

"Hi. Who is this Aaron White guy," asked Pannullo as he sucked in a huge hit from his cigarette? "I see White is the best. My boys back in New York tell me what White and I are partners on Friday and Saturday because I suck. Does he get pissed when someone takes 15 strokes on every hole?"

Sheiker replied, "Not sure. Gstan deals with partners and not sure why he is not here. If your're paired with Whitey and he cannot handle your distractions on Friday, you will probably be paired with someone else on Saturday. He would probably put Whitey with Bartlett to help him score more points."

[Pannullo looks intrigued.]

Sheik asked, "Your paperwork here, 'horse jockey, wimpy fire fighter, casino dealer, irrigation specialist, wrestling, and softball coach'. I respect the job as fire fighter, but what does wimpy fighter mean?"

Pannullo answered with a question, "You do not even know me. Who told you that?"

Sheik said, "Your rookie paperwork arrived last week and suggests you have been demoted to a desk job. You cannot handle the real work of a fire fighter."

Jimmy puts his cigarette down and stands up as blood rushes to his face, "Those bastards!"

Sheik notices Jimmy is getting a little upset and changes the subject. He says, "That is a nice sweatsuit."

Pannullo replies, "Who told you that?"

Sheik says, "This information comes without sources. Let's sit down and relax. That is a nice sweatsuit you have on."

Pannullo replies, "I am going to kill those bastards. [pause] Yes it is. It really serves as a multi-purpose outfit. It works in almost any climate. It keeps the heat in when riding in fast golf carts during the very early mornings on Long Island. I like them."

Sheik replied, "Do you seriously wear the sweatsuit as golf attire? If so, I need to check with Ann on the Alpine Lake golf attire policy."

Jimmy replies, "Yes. I do. It is either these sweatsuits, jockey suit, or need to go shopping."

"How long have you been a fire fighter," asked Sheik? "You can add the regular and wimpy times together if you wish."

"You are a smart ass," replied Pannullo. "I have been fighting for the better part of 16 years. I have always dreamed of being a part of Engine and Ladder house. I grew up as kid smoking cigarettes and riding my fire engine."

Gus Sokos asked, "I am not going to Golfapalooza. I am filling in at this year's symposium for Brent Kaniecki, which by the way is an asshole. As part of the rookie symposium, we do background checks. I did a google search on you. The search returned a 'hole-in-one' at Nunley's Golf Course. Is this true?"

"I have heard," said Pannullo referring to Brent Kaniecki. "I plan to stay away as much as possible. What is wrong with him?"

Sokos replied, "I do not think anyone knows. You need to lower your expectations of him. Move around the cabin and keep your distance, but understand you cannot stop him. It is like trying to stop Michael Jordan in basketball.

How about the hole-in-one?"

"Yes. It was greatest shot of my life," said Pannullo. "I cannot believe you can find this stuff on the Internet. It came at the 6th hole."

Sokos replied, "Nice shot. Did you see it go in?"

Pannullo answered, "Sure we did. The kids were going crazy. It was a straight 27-foot putt right into the clowns nose. I won free ice cream."

[Sokos looks disgusted. He gets up and leaves.]

To be continued...