August 30, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — The Golfapalooza Founding Fathers are extremely pleased to announce that Golfapalooza could be giving away a whopping $20,000 this year at the 14th installment of the legendary event. Details of the give-away were highlighted during an energy-filled press conference on Saturday, August 28th. “We are quite excited” offered Founding Father Dr. Gus Sokos, “and I’m just happy it’s not my $20,000 being given away. These guys (Loozers) think that just because I am a world-renowned cardiologist, that I’ve got money to burn or just give away for any old harebrained Golfapalooza idea. I DO have that kind of money, but that’s really none of their business. Plus I’m cheap.”

The $20,000 will come courtesy of a policy purchased from the US Hole-in-One Company. Any Loozer in the field who cards an ace on Saturday of the event at Alpine Lake’s signature 10th hole, a 228 yard downhill par 3, will be rewarded with a cash prize of $20,000. By rule, the feat must be witnessed by the Loozer’s other playing partners, as well as by another witness at least 18 years of age who is not participating in the event. Alpine Lake has agreed to staff the 10th hole with a spotter on Saturday while the Golfapalooza groups play through. Charter Member William “Sizetenshoeski” Szymonski enthusiastically speculated about the spotter. “I know I have about a zero percent chance of making a hole-in-one, so I’m just hoping the golf course finds some hot young thing with big hooters to sit out there and watch us,” said the endlessly horny Sizetenshoeski.  â€œIt would be nice to know that at least one attractive female lives within a 30-mile radius of this god-forsaken place. It would be even better if she’s of questionable moral fiber.”

In addition to the grand prize on hole number 10, Loozers would also earn a consolation prize for a hole-in-one at one of the five other par 3 holes on the track. A hole-in-one at 2, 6, 8, 14 or 18 will earn the Loozer a choice of domestic airfare for two, a flat-screen television or a set of Ping irons. The spotter is not required for the consolation prize; the qualifying shot need only be witnessed by the golfers in the group. Founding Father Brian “Butter” Flanagan, a notorious cheater and sandbagger, began immediately formulating a plot for his Saturday round. “Oh boy! Give me three other Loozers lacking similarly in conscience and I can pretty much guarantee that we’ll be claiming FIVE flat-screen televisions!” Not so fast there Butter. US Hole-in-One policies stipulate that all prize claims shall be investigated to the company’s satisfaction, including the possible administration of lie-detector tests.

Golfapalooza Director of Records and Statistics Greg “Slick” Long, a voting Board Member, was also available for questions at the press conference. “Those guys from US Hole-in-One must be shaking in their boots, don’t you think?” asked one reporter. Slick coolly responded already armed with the appropriate math, as if he anticipated that very question. “I’m sure you are referring to overall odds of hitting a hole-in-one combined with the fact that in 13 years, 11 of which have been played at Alpine Lake, no Loozer has ever hit a hole-in-one on any par 3 during a Golfapalooza competition. That’s roughly 5,000 or more par 3 tee shots without a hole-in-one.”

“So these guys are due right?” Wrong actually. Slick further explained that “that’s a common error and misuse of statistics frequently found among those lacking in proper critical thinking skills.  For the average golfer, the bedrock upon which the Golfapalooza field is built, the odds against making a hole-in-one on a given par 3 tee shot is about 12,500 to 1. This is an independent probability whereby the probability for each subsequent attempt is completely unrelated to the results of any prior attempt. To put it bluntly, these guys are NOT due anymore this year than they were back at GI. To analogize, imagine a bag of 12,500 marbles. One of those marbles has ‘hole-in-one’ written on it. If you start pulling marbles out one at a time, eventually you’ll get to the one with the ‘hole-in-one’. However, if you put the marble back after every pull, the odds of getting the ‘hole-in-one’ remain at 1 in 12,500, regardless of how many times you failed or succeeded on prior attempts. Perhaps I’m wrong; however, there’s a $50 million dollar per year Hole-in-One Insurance Policy Industry built on me being right about this.”

Only 22 days until GXIV and things just got VERY interesting.