September 17, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — Look at this picture attached to this article. Keep a mental image of it in your mind. This article is written specifically to prevent you from ending up in this picture. This is a picture of Bro, explaining to Bartlett how to play 4s and 7s; something he had probably already done 6 times the night the photo was taken, as well as a couple dozen other times at that very same Golfapalooza. Don't even try to calculate how many times he's done it over his career.

Now look at Bartlett. He is quite obviously not even listening to Bro. There is no information penetrating Bartlett's head any deeper than his eardrums. The most frustating thing is that HE JUST ASKED BRO 15 seconds earlier to explain how to play 4s and 7s! Bro, ever the optimist (that means he thinks positive; NOT that he helps people who need glasses) thought to himself, "this will be the time that he gets it." Yep, that Bro guy is beloved, but perhaps not the sharpest tool in the Golfapalooza shed.

Look around any poker table. If you can't spot the sucker, then its you. But you don't have to be. Much to the chagrin of Golfapalooza's most notorious rounders (JT, Hurricane, Kidrock - we're looking at you), Golfapalooza is providing a free service this season, available through the notebook, to teach potential suckers the basics of G's most popular card games.

On any given tournament night, you will find two tables, each filled with 5 to 8 guys playing Acey Deucy, Pass the Trash, Kings and Little Ones, Fours and Sevens, or Three-Five-Seven. Other games are certainly permitted, but these five are the ones that draw the big money, and the ones that get Loozers taking numbers to pick up the next empty seat at the table. If your game is gay, or you are the only one that knows how to play it, don't call it on your first deal. Test the table's receptiveness and try to explain how to play to just a couple of guys while you're playing other games. You'll get more support when you call it. Otherwise, your declaration may cause 80% of the table to declare "deal me out for this hand. I'm gonna go take a piss/get something to eat/masturbate/whatever."

If you don't know how to play any of the five aforementioned games, do yourself a favor and read up on the rules of Golfapalooza's most popular card games in the notebook. If you know how to play already, you may want to peek at them for a refresher. If you are a know-it-all d1ck who both knows how to play AND doesn't even need a refresher, you may just want to read them because Boland and GStan wrote them (OK, it was almost all Boland) and they are funny.

Five days until the practice round.