April 28, 2011

BARNESVILLE, PA — With just over six weeks left before Round 1, a press conference was called to discuss the golf tournament and status of preparations. The Chairman, Greg Long, led the press conference at the temporary Carl Spackler Open Media tent and stage in downtown Barnesville, PA.

"Welcome. We have a very different field of players going to the Mountain this year with just 34 returning golfers," said Long referring to returning golfers from June 2005.

"This is the first Carl Spackler Open redo. The actual experience in the event planning arena should translate into many corrections from 2005 and provide a wonderful weekend.

There has not been many changes to the overall itinerary or format since first designed in September 2010. We did flip the courses yesterday for Saturday afternoon and Sunday, however there is still a 54-hole handicapped golf tournament, two practice rounds, two deck parties, and two buses for transportation."

[Dosky interrupts.]

"Excuse me," says CFO Rick Dosky. "You just said, 'two deck parties'. I think you just mispoke."

Long shook his head and said, "No. There is a deck party on Sunday too."

Dosky replied, "What do you mean? Did they move the party from Friday to Sunday?"

Long shook his head again and replied, "There is a 4-hour deck party on Friday and a 4-hour deck party on Sunday."

[Dosky looks around the room for indications of a joke.] He asks with confusion, "Why?"

Long replies, "I do not know. I have heard two different rumors that Sunday is better than Friday. The patrons are happier, more relaxed, wealthier, and more experienced (mature) on Sunday. It is probably a business decision to include a different group of patrons."

Dosky said, "OK. Continue on."

Long replied, "Are you sure? I really need the Chief Financial Officer on board."

Dosky rolls his eyes, "I am good." Long continued with the press conference.

"There are a few concerns with this year's event, but nothing major," added Long. "The top concern is the rough at the golf course. I am not sure the tournament will get the thickness expected, but it should be cut at 6 inches. Jason Ridgeway could also see his request ignored for greens to be double-cut and rolled.

I am headed to Carolina tomorrow morning for 90 holes of personal tournament preparations and 2014-2016 venue scouting. Are there any questions about this year's event?"

"I am so excited that I peed myself last week," said senior member Chris Hays. "I cannot wait to return to the Mountain."

Long replied, "Please do not pee yourself this June. If you do, please see Pork for the keys to the pro shop, but I do not think they carry underwear. Do you have a question?"

Hays asked, "What's up with the deck party? Is it as good as I remember?"

Long replied, "I have not been to a Sunday deck party. The Friday party is OK. I am preparing for it to rain like hell and be cancelled. I did hear that Toolshed Jack has been hired to play music. I am hoping for some type of turnout."

Hays replied, "Cool. I was so drunk the last time. I remember Myers doing the worm until he got injuried. The girls seemed to be turned off by the blood streaming down his arm."

Long replied, "Those are amusing memories. I am just hoping there is a party this year with Mountain Valley being situated in the middle of the Pennsylvania rain forest. The alternative looks grim with the two best night spots in Hazleton bankrupting last fall."

[Bobby Owens walks towards the small stage.]

"Do you think the red-headed slut will be coming back to the deck party," says Bobby Owens referring to the June 2010 scouting trip?

Long replied, "I sure hope not. Garrett and I have not laughed that hard in years. I do not think her presence can achieve the same effect. [quick pause] You know... I still have a half-dozen of those bead necklaces."

Owens laughs and replies, "That is pretty funny. Bring them back to the mountain with you.

[quick pause]

You sound very pessimistic about the weather. I hope the weather is half as good as it was last June. Is there anything else you are dreading?"

Long replied, "Acually, I am hoping TV remotes are not distributed upon hotel check-in this time around, pace of play does not exceed 6 hours per round, and the bus driver can find the golf course."

[Mike Lewis and Jon Munksgard are chuckling in the back.]

Lewis whispers, "Ask him."

Long smiles and asks Lewis and Munksgard, "What is so funny?"

Jon Munksgard asks, "Can we switch gears to alcohol? How about a rain proof activity? Do you think Dick Yuengling can come up to mountain with some of his beer and help me concoct some type of Captain Yuengling as the new signature Carl Spackler Open drink?"

Long smiles. Replies, "Maybe. I am sure he is busy selling beer, but ask him. Maybe a blind taste test during a rain delay. [pause] Speaking of Yuengling... make sure you have closed toe shoes for the brewery tour. Someone is going to forget and it will be disappointing."

Senior member Marty Zabonik asked, "Do you remember the pro strapping that keg on the back of his golf cart and distributing it to everyone? Do you think Walt will do that again?"

Long replied, "I think that trip in 2005 was pretty good. The scouting trip last June was even better, however keeping my expectations low. This event sets up for golfers with high expectations to return home disappointed. I am not expectating much more than what is highly probable.

Zabonik replies, "That is a good point. [quick pause] Let's move on to something else. How is your golf game?"

Long replied, "How is yours? I have not seen a scorecard posted in two years. Senior members know the rules. Get them entered before someone accuses you of sandbagging.

[pause]

My game... I played 54 holes in Florida a few weeks ago. I missed 4 fairways and lost one ball off the tee. The long irons are doing very well too. The short game is a little better than a complete disaster. Same old Slick. I have also been working on my golf etiquette, but Jason Watson and Pat Boland still think it sucks.

I am flying to Charlotte early tomorrow morning. Milam, Mark Palmer, Jay Myers, and I are playing 90 holes in South Carolina, Winston-Salem, Greensboro, Chapel Hill, and Charlotte. I cannot believe weather can literally be perfect for 4 straight days. Anyway... my goals are simple. Short game is the top priority. Putting and teeing in turn is second."

Jay Dilks asked, "Myers? How is he allowed out to play that much golf?"

Long replied, "He is a major champion now, which comes with responsibility. He charges an appearance fee when he plays, which he uses to subsidize his kitchen passes. The Golden Jacket has truely changed his life."

Long finished by saying, "I will be back next month for another press conference. See you then."

The 2011 Carl Spackler Open will host its first player meeting on Thursday evening after the practice round. Dinner will be provided on the clubhouse deck in conjunction with the meeting. Bag storage will be executed between the practice round and player meeting.