ALPINE LAKE, WV — Top 15 Absentee Loozers We Would Love To See Return.

These are the 15 Loozers the Loozer nation would like to see return to glory.  The list applies to those who have participated fully in at least one Golfapalooza and for reasons beyond understanding, have now been no-shows for at least 1 or more consecutive events.  This list was compiled with all due disrespect to the following Loozers who are not on it:  Cocker, Dave Taylor, Davis, Sean Shay, Dick Carin, Guido, Clem, Pedro, GKurt, Barker, Bateson, El Capitan, Bulzie, and Wally.  If you wanted to be on the list, you should’ve come to more tournaments, drank more, barfed more, won more trophies, acted like a bigger ass and/or relieved yourself on someone’s leg…

15. Darin “Blackjack” Cross – Previous Tournaments: 1

The case for: Cross has the distinct honor of being the only single-season Loozer to make this list.  He was pretty good at playing golf, drinking and playing guitar, but the main reason people would like him to return is because of his numerous hours spent dealing blackjack to mathematically ignorant Loozers.  I’m not really sure why so many Loozers want him to return, because he went home with about $1,000 of their money, thanks to their poor adherence to basic strategy guidelines and probably a little help from alcohol-induced hunches and false-confidence.

Why he might not make it back: The fact that no Loozer has spoken to him since the day he left GVII will hurt his chances of making it back.  Does it matter?  All we need is for one Loozer to step up and commit to dealing a couple hours of blackjack and this list can become a ‘top 14’ list faster than you can say ‘whipped-cream race.’

14. Joe “Mike Webster” Hensley – Previous Tournaments: 2

The case for: Few things in life are more amusing than watching the effects of hard liquor on a body and mind that rarely, if ever, consumes alcohol.  I think GIV and GV are the only six days of his life that Hensley ever drank.  He didn’t really seem to have an ‘off button’ once he got started, and that became of huge source for many laughs.  I wish I could comment on some specific examples, but I spent most of GIV and GV completely sh!t-faced as well, so sorry.  If you need a frame of reference, just imagine Patch, only nicer, a little less loud and way less annoying.

Why he might not make it back:  To me, he always seemed far too ‘holy’ for Golfapalooza.  Any Loozer who finds it necessary to ask another Loozer to stop taking the Lord’s name in vain anytime someone yells ‘God Dammit’ cannot possibly be having a good time at Alpine Lake.  Plus, no one is sure where he is.  The top three most credible theories on the whereabouts of Hensley include: 1) He became a priest, 2) He’s merely masquerading as a priest because of the access to small boys and free wine, or 3) He had radical reconstructive plastic surgery and has re-infiltrated Golfapalooza as an ultra-conservative spy under the assumed name Walter Schoellmann

13. Bill “Squib” Kolibash – Previous Tournaments: 5

The case for: who doesn’t love a guy who would swing exactly the same and achieve the same score for 18 holes, even if you replaced his entire set of clubs with a single hockey stick?  Adam Sandler followed him around the course one summer before he filmed Happy Gilmore. Rumor has it he got the line "the price is wrong, bitch!" from Bill after he missed a two footer for bogey. He was there for GI when it all got started.

Why he might not make it back:  The spikes on the first pair of golf shoes he ever bought have worn out and despite an engineering degree he is unable to change them. There's too many sidehill lies at Alpine to play without spikes.

12. Mark “Uncle Mark” Young – Previous Tournaments: 3

The case for: He’s my Uncle Mark, but he’s happy to let all Loozers call him Uncle Mark.  (Kind of like how Al is Patch’s grandfather, but he’s happy to let all Loozers call him ‘fossil.’)  Anyway, Uncle Mark holds 2 distinct and diametrically opposed Golfapalooza records.  Most beer consumed in one tournament and, just 1 year later, first person to complete an entire tournament without touching a drop of alcohol.  To me, that’s about as weird as winning the JT Thomas and the Most Improved in the same season.  It defies logic.  Uncle Mark has a son who is 20 and also enjoys golf.  They are a threat right now to take home the prize for the first father-son combo to attend Golfapalooza.  Uncle Mark, despite recent absences, is a dedicated Loozer.  He faithfully buys apparel every year even when he’s not in attendance.  He lives in Florida, farther from Alpine Lake than every Loozer but Randy Watson.  This past June, he showed up in Wheeling unannounced, and when he came by my house, I said “Hey Uncle Mark, I didn’t know you were in town, are you here to visit your mom and brothers and sisters?”  He coldly replied, “No, I just drove up from Florida to pick up my GX shirt and travel mug that you never shipped to me.”  And then he just left.  That’s dedication.

Why he might not make it back: He takes his golf very seriously, and now that he’s sober (going on four years), he might begin to realize that we don’t.  Additionally, living in Florida and working in the construction business, he’s constantly worried about hurricanes.  The 3rd weekend in September seems to be a great time of year for most Loozers, but it’s right in the peek of hurricane season for Uncle Mark.  He also worries about being eaten by a wild bear.  

11. Don “Spanky” MacFarland – Previous Tournaments: 3?

The case for:  Spanky, also known as Zachariah, (that’s because he reads the bible a lot and it’s one of his favorite Hebrew names,) is a Golfapalooza enigma.  He gambled at the card table and on the golf course with no regard at all for financial losses.  It was almost as if he had a steady stream of cash income far exceeding what we would expect him to earn at Cardinal Health.  He was falsely accused of crime he didn’t commit, (just like the Incredible Hulk and Richard Kimble), and consequently, he has vanished from the Golfapalooza landscape as quickly as he arrived.  (Unlike the Hulk, his skin doesn’t turn green, but he does frequently wear a stupid, teal-green, Dolphins 54 Zach Thomas jersey.)  I’m not in charge of Golfapalooza anymore, so I’m not sure who made this executive decision: Spanky has been erased, literally.  Check out the website for GV through GIX.  I was drunk for most of that time, but I know I have at least a few sober memories of Spanky screaming ‘Zachariah’ somewhere in there.  Yet the tournament results show absolutely no evidence of his presence.  Maybe he really was never there.  This is disconcerting.

Why he might not make it back: Golfapalooza can be tough on a man.  Rookies frequently endure a lot of crap from veterans.  Even veterans are not immune from having their manhood questioned.  (See Randy Watson and Color Coordination.)  This kind of emotional torture, all meant to be fun of course, takes its toll.  How well could Spanky stand up to the inevitable relentless speculation that he has spent the better part of three years in a nine by nine room receiving colonoscopies from his roommate, Tyrell Bangum, who happens to be 6’ 4”, weighs 247 pounds (0.5% body fat), and he’s known around the big-house simply as ‘Hole Slammer’?

To be continued.  Stay tuned for numbers 10 through 6...