November 12, 2007

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — There are big days ahead for the Carl Spackler Open. Trent Cooper, the 2007 Webb Award and Golden Rod winner, held his own press conference to discuss this year's attendance in Indiana with an emphasis on a select few participants.

"Welcome everyone. Thanks for coming," said Cooper as he jerked his head and laughed in Cooper fashion. "This press conference stuff is pretty cool. [Cooper taps on the microphone and blows into it.] I wanted to take a moment before winter to communicate the importance of the 'three-peat' and how good my golf game continues to be year around."

Cooper finished in 3rd place in Michigan with a tournament field of 63.

"Almost everyone has a wife or girlfriend. At first, we hear about the Spackler Open and the pressure to attend the unknown event. Most of the time, we will wait a year and miss out on the fun due to ignorance. After hearing we are retarded two years in a row from friends and co-workers, we decide to mention it to our wives and girlfriends, where most of us get 'the look'.

We hang in there during the offseason and start mentioning to our wives that all our friends are going to the Spackler. We begin to apply even more leverage by bringing up Spackler when around buddies, wives, and girlfriends collectively. We want them to hear about everyone else that is allowed to attend and enjoyment the others receive during Spackler.

Most of the time, however, we decide on three-peat attendance at home because we are scared. [pause] Yes. Very scared of our wives. I am petrified."

Cooper takes a big smoke, blows it out his nose and continues, "We decide to miss our third tournament in June due to relationship pressure, but we do make sure our girlfriends and wives know everyone is having tons of fun. This is extreme leverage at its best. We talk about the trip constantly while everyone else is playing in the national tournament.

During the third summer, we hear there is so much fun we consider divorce. We begin to wonder what the consequences would be to just attending without an agreement. Our balls grow a little and we plan an attack. We begin to talk about Spackler all the time to the point where it becomes annoying to ourselves. We patiently wait for her very rare mistake and pounce on it. 'Can I go to Spackler?' in hopes she will say, 'OK.'

The day comes. 'OK. Go ahead.' We have broken down the armour and we stand there stunned for a moment. We say nothing else and become better husbands until November 15. We now measure risk and do nothing to jeopardize the trip. The next day at the office, we email or telephone anyone that will listen. 'I am going to Spackler.' We begin to visit the website for information.

The wife and girlfriend notice we start playing golf a little earlier this year. They begin to pressure us throughout April and May. They tells us we need to give up fantasy football or our golf league next year. We try to ignore the pressure to fold and attend our first Spackler.

Spackler week arrives and we completely zone out all negativity. We arrive on location and spend the first day in caution because we are a rookie. We spend the second day realizing the rumors from the office and bars were true. We eventually head home absolutely exhausted.

We arrive home and can barely move. We cannot believe we rented a hotel room and slept maybe 12 hours all week. Our wives and girlfriends look at us with 'the look' as if we did something we should not have been doing. The sunburn on our face and legs are our saving grace. We can barely move for three days. We want to share our experience with the wife or girlfriend, but they won't understand. So we downplay the trip a little, sleep for days, and try to ignore the topic.

We cannot wait to get to the office when we can tell the other idiots what they just missed. We tell everyone about the party on the clubhouse deck, cart in the creek, or the guy passed out on the first tee. They act like they believe us, but they don't. We start using the website frequently, post even more scorecards, and move through the summer dedicating ourselves to gaining permission to our second Spackler Open.

We begin to give away our life for the opportunity to attend another Spackler. She says, 'You can go to Spackler if you '_______'. We agree immediately even if it isn't fair and we attend yet again. The off-season is full of excitement. Our wives wonder why we are showing more excitement than the time between our engagement and wedding. Some of us bring a few ignorant rookies from the office. This is another intelligent move because we are surrounding yourselves with attendees at home. The more friends and family we can get there, the better our chances for future attendance."

Member Chris Hays says, "Hey Cooper! What the heck is your point with this?" Cooper stands up with authority and shouts, "Shut up Hays! You better get permission from your girlfriend this year or you are out of our 'click' forever! [pause] [Cooper sits back down and chuckles.] Freek'n Hays is such a puss.

We have now attended two years. It took five years of preparation and we have not forgotten. This is where the 'three-peat' has become critical. This is the crucual year of attendance where 'asking' becomes 'assuming'.

This fall season is the opportunity. A third-straight attendance will take care of everything."

Second-year member Chris Milam asks, "What do you mean? 'take care of everything'" Cooper answers, "I do not fully understand how it works, but three-straight years of attendance comes with magic. You don't have to ask to attend Spackler after that. The wife and girlfriends just assume you are going. You just mail in your deposit without even telling her. If you ask, she regains mental control so never ask. She knows your going so you just mail in the deposit."

Milam said, "Are you kidding?" Cooper said, "No. Trust me. There are six of you guys this year since Reustle went unprotected in August. Nickles, Marti, Fustich, Seidel, and Boland. This year's deposit is critical and missing this year is golf trip suicide. This is the end of your 5-year quest for freedom."

Rob Fustich said, "I have been to three Spackler's." Cooper immediately said, "Not a three-peat. You must establish three-in-a-row." Fustich answered, "Well that is true. I do still need to talk to her about attending."

Cooper said, "Do I really look stupid? This is the real deal. This three-peat magic is about as real as my golf game. I could easily get 20 members in here to confirm this as fact."

Milam said, "What about Brian Flanagan? He skipped the Raleigh tournament after his three-peat." Cooper said, "He is fine. This process is similar to your drivers license. Once you establish, your wife and girlfriend never schedule anything the second week of June. They assume you are unavailable forever."

Dave Nickles asked, "Are there any known strategies to gain acceptance from the wife?" Cooper replied, "Yes. Slick told me this once and it works pretty well. It even works for rookies. He told me to ask for 'just 1 percent of the year for myself' or 3.66 days, which is exactly what you need to attend Spackler. He tells me to internally imagine being in prison for 5 years while talking with her. Imagine that you heard upon approval that prisoners are now allowed in the courtyard 1 hour per day."

Nickles says, "That sounds like a great idea." Cooper takes a big smoke, blows it out his nose and continues, "Of course it is, however it is all about presentation. The key is feel like that prisoner after 5 long years of isolation. Say it as if you have been told 'no' to courtyard privileges for many years and you deserve 1 hour of freedom.

That is it for me. It is important that everyone gets their deposits into Dosky. Most of us have already experienced the three-peat and can concentrate on other things, however don't forget your deposit.

I am looking forward to this year's trip and seeing everyone. Good Day."