October 14, 2010

TERRA ALTA, WV — Golfapalooza XIV may be recorded by history as the “Year of the Bet”. Thanks in no small part to Pat “Hurricane” Boland, Golfapalooza 2010 gambling began several weeks prior to the event, over the internet, in larger amounts than have ever been witnessed before, and continued all the way through to the wee hours of Sunday morning, long after all of the awards had been handed out. This year saw the addition of the Golf Calcutta silent auction, the Dequackathon, the Bro Bet, the Hole 18 Over/Under, as well as a Hole-in-One contest that promised a potential $20,000 grand prize. However, nowhere was this gambling increase more evident than at the 4th Annual Cornhole Calcutta auction held Thursday evening after the conclusion of round one.

Loozers spent a record $1500 trying to buy both the correct combinations of doubles partners, as well as that one A player who had his game in the best shape for Friday night’s King of Corn singles tournament.  The auction started off with two very loud thuds, as Brian "Winthorp" Carlstrom bought Todd "KidRock" Flanagan for only $10 (with money that he may or may not have retrieved from his car ashtray) and Christian "Koolaid" Miller bought Mike “Digger” Lewis for only $9. In retrospect, even the meager $9 paid for Lewis proved to be overpriced, as he proceeded to hit other Loozers in the head with bags more times than he actually hit the board.  That would be the virtual end to the bargain buying, however, as 21 of the remaining 25 Loozers were sold for at least $30. One can only hope that these carefree spenders normally manage their personal finances more cautiously than they dole out their Golfapalooza funds.

When all of the final bids were tabulated, only 11 Loozers had a financial stake in the outcome of both tournaments, having muscled out the 16 other bidders, to own the entire field. Top bidders Jason “Randy” Watson ($285), who cleaned up at the GXIII Cornhole Calcutta, Digger ($245), who didn’t even realize he had bought anyone, yet handed over the $245 without question (thanks Captain Morgan!), and JT “Heff” Thomas ($241), were all three shut out when the prize money was distributed. Thanks for playing, though!

With the obvious benefit of hindsight, the evening was filled with moves that look like pure genius, right alongside aggressive bids that look like ridiculous ignorance. Topping the list of brilliant strategery was John “Mater” Munksgard, who made a $55 investment to purchase eventual doubles champions Greg “Slick” Long and Walt “Shlomo” Schoellman and collect two thirds of the $1500 purse. Additionally, Digger bought inaugural Douche of the Year winner Mark “Monte” Montgomery for a cool $45; Monte stunned the singles field with an impressive final four run. Mark “Sleepy” Kaniecki may have pulled off the steal of the night, nabbing Jeff “Quack” Blankenburg for just $35. Quack turned in the most impressive cornhole tournament performance of his career, coasting all the way to the finals.

At the other end of the spectrum, bonehead purchases were made by Randy, Hurricane and Heff. Randy ran Stan “Rocket” Kaniecki and Brian “Butter” Flanagan both up to $80, hoping at least one of the former doubles champions could find glory once again. Hurricane bought Heff for $90. Heff has now cost the ‘Cane roughly $300 through two straight years worth of early exits from both the singles and doubles tournaments. Finally, Heff himself may have made the boneheadest bid of the night, chasing Randy out of the race for Brett “Bro” Lyme, at $180. Bro? $180? Really? Just to prevent Randy from owning both of the defending champs?  We know he won the doubles last year, but we’re bidding on the best cornhole players at Golfapalooza, not the person most likely to be named the unofficial Poster Child for Golfapalooza. Everybody knows you’re (not-so-secretly) in love with the guy, but take your Bromance and get a room, Heff! (It’ll be cheaper than $180!)

A follow-up article highlighting the results of the tournament action, which can be decidedly less exciting than the auction, is scheduled to be published on October 16th.