August 1, 2011

TERRA ALTA, WV — Early reviews of the GXV signed field reveal that virtually every GXIV champion from the team events could possibly be down at least one member this fall. Defense of team titles looks to be at an all time low this year, although repeat winners in all team events have historically been difficult to come by in the fiercely competitive Golfapalooza environment.

The 4-man Best Ball Championship on Thursday will likely be decided without an ailing Rick Dosky, who helped Guy, Shlomo and Munk capture last year's crown. Dosky has recovered from a successful hip replacement surgery, however, has stated that "well, since I got my hips fixed, I want to USE them, if you know what I mean. So I had penile implant surgery too, and that will probably not be healed by GXV. At least I'm not going to a Steel Pipe Manufacturers Convention, right?" Yes, Rick, that's right. However, the similarities between 'penile implants' and 'steel pipe manufacturing' are definitely not lost on this audience.

On Friday, another 4-man team, the 4-man Scramble Champions, may be without their anchor. In 2010, team Flanagan plus Schlitzmaltliquorski shocked the world by dethroning 2-time defending champions, and 3-time overall champions, the Kanieckis. Truthfully, no one in the world was really that shocked other than the Kanieckis but, whatever. Schiltzmaltliquorski, unsigned for GXV, is considering holding out from Golfapalooza indefinitely until the Founding Fathers publicly commit to bringing back strippers for at least one night. Additionally, 14-time Loozer, Butter Flanagan, and 12-time Loozer, brother Kid Rock Flanagan, are both unsigned. I think I speak for the entire Golfapalooza community when I say "WTF!?!?" Spanky McFarland, the only team member currently signed, was asked for a comment for this article and declined, but then later tweeted, "YOUR MOM asked me for a comment! LOL! BEYOTCH!"

The 2-man Best Ball team of Quack and Chef is the only returning team champion with all participants signed, however Quack is walking on one leg right now, after recovering from surgery on his knee to repair an injury he sustained while kicking a puppy. That guy is so mean! The 2-man Scramble Championship will almost certainly go undefended as well, as 2010 rookie sensation Munk will be without his teammate the Rocket. Even after all these years of having Golfapalooza the exact same time every year, Rocket (who's a ****ing MATH TEACHER!) could not count backwards nine months from the end of September. Congratulations Rocket on the slipping one past the goalie. Condolences on not being able to do it outside the Red Zone, and costing yourself a chance to take the next step toward golf immortality.

Off the golf course, the King of Corn Doubles Tournament will also likely go without a repeat champion for the 3rd straight year. Butter and Carder could not defend. Bro and Rocket could not defend. (Actually, that's an understatement. They embarrassed themselves, and they made Randy Watson cry in his beer.) What is the fate of Slick and Shlomo, the dark-horses that earned Munk an extra $1,000 at GXIV? Slick has downgraded his attendance probability to a mere 25%, generating cheers from everyone who still cares about winning the low raw, but moans from everyone who has been saving their money to bid on him in the Cornhole Calcutta. Rumors have surfaced that Munk is in negotiations with Slick and Slick's wife to ensure his attendance.

As of press time, only 59 days until GXIV.