May 13, 2015

LEBANON, OH — "I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for excellence in the history of our nation," said senior member Matt Pritchard, who won the 2015 Carl Spackler Open held at Shaker Run Golf Club.

"Nearly 15 short years ago, some great Americans, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, created the Carl Spackler Open. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to hundreds of hackers like me who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice.

In a sense we have come to Ohio to cash a check. When the architects of our event designed the Carl Spackler Open, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was given a chance at victory. This note was a promise that all men, yes, scratch golfers as well as hackers, would be guaranteed the unalienable right to pursue a jacket and championship trophy.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I followed through with my dream. A dream of scoring 12 birdies in our 54-hole tournament. A dream of beating a disgusted Jason Ridgeway at the top of his game. A dream of stealing putt points from Kyle Marti. A dream where someone with 4 points for par is given a chance to become legend. A dream to wear the golden jacket and cap in front of my peers.

In a sense, I have come to Lebanon to play some unpredecented golf and collect a check. I have pressed on through the Crapper Award and back nine disasters until a bright day of justice emerged. Now I stand here today..."

[Matt Pritchard suddenly awakes violently with Tabasco sauce in his nose.]

"What the hell," exclaimed Pritchard!

Fellow participant Scott Miller accompanied by Dave Osborne reply, "Wake up pretty boy. The practice range is open in 15 minutes. We are headed over to warm up for Round 1."

The 2015 Carl Spackler Open is expected to sign between 60 and 64 golfers. The lack of cancellations would set a 11-year record. The practice round is scheduled for June 25. The initial practice is expected to tee shotgun.